Once you watch, you can't stop...

So this is the week of my Spring Break. This is just one of the perks of being a teacher! During spring break, I do not have any plans except one: relax! I have been taking full advantage of this spring break motto (except for this past weekend).

This past weekend I helped Kirk move into his new place, and it just made me hate the moving process. I hate moving. I hate clutter. I hate that when you move, you realize how much clutter you have. Whenever I move from one place to another, I go crazy on my clutter and throw away just about everything I have. Even gifts. Sorry, but I may have thrown away a gift from you. So, I went somewhat crazy on Kirk's stuff and made him throw away a lot. I could have really made it difficult for him, but it wasn't necessarily mine to throw away, so he got off the hook this time. ;-)

During the moving process (boy you should had seen the two of us take a couch down three flights of stairs), we had our mini-breaks to keep me motivated. Dexter. What is Dexter you ask? Only one of the greatest Showtime series. Seriously. I'm a fan of Glee and How I Met Your Mother and probably would call these two the shows I enjoy most at the moment (though I'm not a big T.V. watcher), but Kirk introduced me to Dexter and he has me hooked. Once you watch, you won't be able to stop - and you might as well pick up some Pringles to add to your experience.

Building Blocks

One of my favorite things to do when I am playing with little ones is building blocks. I like making different designs to build, and I like to try to make it as tall as possible. Seeing children work their hardest to set one block on top of another and trying to figure out the best method of doing so is fascinating to me. Sometimes I so badly want to show them how to do what they want or show them how creative we can be together, but I try to let them build on their own and support them along the way. Of course, there is always that moment where the tower eventually falls due to unforeseen circumstances or purposely by the person who built the blocks, but I'm always willing to build the tower up again if they want to keep on playing. Something so small like this leads me to...

This:

My life is one major composition of building blocks. Ever since I was born, I started accumulating building blocks. Some are stuck where they are and will never be shaken because I have been given the foundation; however, some are a little faulty and need repair. Others have been knocked down and are out for the count. To be honest, it is a little nerve-wrecking to have some of these blocks knocked out completely. For the ones being repaired, it is a little painful and uncomfortable, and I'm unsure of the outcome.

You know...I think right now there are some blocks that have been knocked out of my life - and that is a really good thing. I don't need it in my life. The ones that are being repaired are the hard ones to deal with. It takes pain and that feeling of being out of your comfort zone. Yet, if you are able to remain with Him and trust that as long as you remain in Him he will bless you, I'm willing to be uncomfortable, for now, believing in the great possibilities of what He has in store for my tower. I know he wants to help guide me on how to build my life. I know he has a master plan that is much more intricate than my own. As long as I continue to build and look to Him for advice, wisdom, and encouragement, I'll have blocks that were once faulty become new.

And here is the promise:

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and the knowledge of the Hold One is understanding. For by Me your days will be multiplied, and years of life will be added to you." - Proverbs 9:10-11

"Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches."
-Proverbs 24:3-4

The Golden Ticket

Today, while teaching my wonderful 8th grade boys, one of them gave me a Happy St. Patrick's Day treat. It was tightly wrapped in aluminum foil, and as I struggled to open this gift, I looked up to find a classroom of boys with their hands in the air wiggling their fingers in anticipation. Don't ask me why they did that. I have no idea. Yet, I ended up with a Wonka chocolate bar and the chance to win a golden ticket and a trip around the world.

I always wish I could win something like a golden ticket. Really. Can you imagine what it would be like to actually have a golden ticket in your candy bar and be able to experience the prize of a "Trip Around the World"?

Yet, as I was reading my devotion, I realized I have been given a golden ticket: God's will. (Cheese face here, but really). Sometimes, God's will is just a subject I don't really care for. I mean, I know it is true and good and will make my life more amazing than I could imagine, but sometimes it feels so hard to know what it is and even more hard to stay in it and trust it.

My hope is that I really seek out God's will and believe in it because in all honesty, His will is safe and brings fulfillment. Sometimes it is hard to follow his will - we will have trouble and it will be uncomfortable to be stretched and challenged, but we will receive a golden ticket, a promise. I'm pretty sure that there may even be some angels with their hands in the air, waving in excitement for us as well.

Love-Hate Relationship

Do you every have those moments in your life where you read or hear something that is completely what you need to read or hear at that specific moment in your life? I have more than once, and to be honest, I have a love-hate relationship with these moments.

I hate these moments, because often the advice, or encouragement, or challenge -- or whatever it is -- is not what you want to hear. I hate these moments, because if you truly take it in, you know you need to start doing something differently. I hate these moments, because sometimes it feels impossible to accept change and be changed, and you want a different outcome than what is sitting in your lap. I hate these moments because I would rather go to sleep and just not think at all. I hate these moments because I know that what is said to me is truth, and I realize that there are ways that I have fallen. I hate these moments because I understand I need other people in my life and can't do things on my own. I hate these moments because it is hard to give up control and trust the Lord and trust that He uses all things for good.

Yet here comes the love. I love these moments because I realize that God is good, and I am safe putting my trust in Him and releasing control. I love these moments because I fully experience the support and love of friends and family that the Lord has blessed me with. I love these moments, because truth refines me and makes me realize it is okay to fall, as long as you grow and learn and keep trying to be better. I love these moments because they show me that I am stronger than I think I am - I won't go to sleep today to get rid of the pain, but I'll reluctantly face it, and struggle through it, and come out alive. I love these moments because anything is possible with the Lord, and He is doing something in my life that will lead to more wonderful things that I will love having in my lap. I love these moments because I am changing and growing. It hurts so badly, but something is being made better within me. I love these moments, because the advice, encouragement, and challenge is what I need to grow in my faith and dependence on God.

I'm not a perfect person and never will be. I can write these things, but believing them fully will still be hard to do. Today (and tomorrow and a year from now) I will probably have to read this post again to be reminded of why these times of "blah" in our life are worth it.

Today I had to pray a very hard prayer. One I didn't want to pray at all. One I cried through, and maybe don't fully stand behind. But I was encouraged and challenged to do it, and I did. My faith is being tested. My trust is barely there. My hope is somewhere in the distance, but I only have God to lean on, and I can't let go of Him.

Tennies

My foot stayed on the gas pedal and my hands took control. They were not doing what I was telling them to do. Instead, I was driven, against my will, to the gym. Now, I am usually pretty good about working out ever since I had a few college friends whip me into shape. I even took it as far as running my first half and full marathons. You would think after those huge milestones my hands and feet wouldn't have to kidnap me and drive me to the gym, but I have had the hardest time motivating myself to work out. I think I out-ran my motivation, and now it is trying to catch up.

So, as I complained in the car as the wheel turned into a parking spot (lucky for me, I found a good parking spot), grabbed my work-out bag, swiped my card to show the front desk workers how long it had been since I've last been here, and headed to the woman's locker room, I was finally getting excited to exert some of this "life stuff" that has been bringing me down lately.

Enter ladies locker room: take out sports bra, socks, shorts, shirt, ponytail. Good I remembered everything - sometimes the ponytail gets me, and I am not a fan of working out with my hair down. Ipod? Yep, got it. Good. I'm set! I begin to take off my shoes, and then it hits me. My shoes. My black and white flats. These are not shoes. My shoes. Ugh. My shoes. My tennis shoes.

Let's just say I spent a whole 5 minutes in the gym. To make it better, on my way back to the car a man asked me if it was busy inside, and I really couldn't give him an honest answer in return and replied, "I didn't really notice." He was probably confused.

Today's Life Lesson: Sometimes, life just doesn't go the way you envisioned it. I'm finding this to be true in even the small things; however, thank goodness I have the opportunity to learn from my failed attempts and try again tomorrow.

"Tomorrow to fresh woods and pastures new."
- John Milton

Beauty Will Rise

Mudpies. I guarantee you I have made more than enough mudpies in my childhood to feed me a lifetime. My sister and I definitely had our days in the backyard creating delicious mudpies filled with rocks, grass, and our special ingredient: flower pedals.

If I could describe to you how my life feels like right now, I would tell you I feel like I am walking through a lifetime of mudpies. They mire and clay is thickly coating my feet, and the weight become heavier as I keep walking further.

Loss. I have lost a lot in my lifetime. It begins with my favorite bear I had as a child. Ate by one of my family's many dogs. I have lost money to my brother. Apparently pongs were too enticing for me. Oh, and I can't forget the time I lost my favorite pair of slippers. Once again, to a dog. But the greatest loss I've experienced is now. My emotions are haywire. Heartbreak. Fear. Sadness. Uncertainty. Hopeful. Laughter. Anger. Failure. Longing.

I don't know if you know Steven Curtis Chapman. To be honest, the only thing I have ever really remembered about him is his song "Dive In" and dancing and playing Barbies with my friend Amanda. I don't know how these two things even go together, but for me they did. Well, on May 21, 2008, Steven Curtis Chapman and his family experienced the unexpected loss of his five year-old daughter, Maria. I can't even begin to understand the emotions surrounding this loss. Yet, Steven Curtis Chapman dug through the mire and clay, struggled through his loss, and wrote a beautiful CD called "Beauty Will Rise."

In my time as a injured and lost sheep, this album speaks words for me I have a hard time saying. I only hope that in my time of wading through the mudpies, I rise out as more beautiful person. Maybe I put those flower pedals in my mudpies for a reason. In our ashes, in our loss, in our fears and doubts, in our pain and suffering, beauty rises. I may not see much beauty in my current loss. But I pray the words Steven Curtis Chapman sings, and hopefully I will become the Shepard's sweet sheep.

"Beauty Will Rise"

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left
behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you.

Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new"

This is our hope.
This is the promise.
That it would take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...

Oh, Beauty will rise