Go

When you find yourself in a time in your life where you find yourself alone (or anxious, frustrated, discontent, happy, so-so, fillintheblank), take it as a moment to discover you. Granted, you aren't really alone - maybe sometimes it does feel that way and that can be sad and lonely at times, but lately I've been on this path to understand what it means to be created in the image of God and to develop more of myself to be Christ-like and how that looks in relation to my day-to-day in this world we find ourselves in. Finding joy in moments that are challenging can really put quite a different perspective on things.

When we go through hard times, the easy road is to just coast through the season and never really challenge ourselves. Often we endure because we have to and maybe we try to find easy ways out or ways to lessen pain or voids we feel. I'm trying to fight that "coast and fill" mentality and instead try to learn and discover and grow into something better than what I am now...I don't know what that something necessarily looks like, but that is kind of the exciting part.

Part of this means challenging myself to try new things, expand my view and tastes, form opinions about who I am but be flexible to know that I can change and continue to grow, dig deeper into the reasons why I believe what I do and what I know to be true, interact with people who think differently than I do but grow deeper and more genuinely with those who have always been my supporters, and really take the time to enjoy my interests but the interests of others as well.

Ultimately, I am learning what it means to take my selfish pain and pride and turn it into a Christ-like love and humility. Whether the season is low, nonchalantly steady, or joyful and happily exciting, there is always ways that we can be challenging ourselves to be more like Christ.

God is always shaping you and molding you to be more like Him. You have parts of Him in you ready to come alive. I've been so challenged to believe that my purpose is in my now - not waiting for me in my future - I'm challenged to not waste my life thinking it will happen later...our purpose is always there waiting for us. God is always here...just waiting for us to say, "Your will be done." Don't wait on the sidelines....GO!

Pause

It is easy to not be thankful. It is easy to find reason to be upset about something that is wrong in our life – easy to be mad or bitter or find something that isn’t fair for us - easy to feel selfish and be needy. Sadly, it is hours before the turkey meets its fate in the oven, and I am here at work – the only soul on my hallway, and I’m finding reason to get upset about it and move that attitude into the rest of my life and start longing for things and feeling alone.

But I’m sitting here and I’m forced to stop.

You see, I’m here…working. I have a job and even though I have a degree and could be making more money somewhere than this temporary holding, it is a job that provides and allows me to pay bills. And I look around at my desk and see the spoon that I used to eat my yogurt this morning and I’m thankful that I can eat breakfast at work because I was running late from sleeping in my bed for too long. I have my phone in sight – reminding me I have friends and loved ones that call me and I can call them. They are there to encourage me and be there for me and I for them. And when I go home today, I’ll be met by my loving family who accepts the fact that I don’t have the best taste in music, can be too sensitive at times, and crabby when I’m tired, yet they love me unconditionally and will always bring joy and love to my life no matter how little I express that to them. I look at what I’m wearing - my bargain military green coat from Forever 21 – did I really need the coat? No. Is it cute and that is why I bought it? Yes. I’m thankful for it though because it is warm, and this selfish purchase reminds me that I have more than enough and that my Savior provides and blesses me beyond measure. And those moments where I am selfish or unhappy with life circumstances….I can look at them and know there is a greater God who is not limited by my shortcomings. He is molding me into who He has called me to be despite the fact that I have rejected Him time and time again. I’m thankful because the Lord is my Provider, Comforter, Healer, Father, Redeemer, Protector, my Everything, and I am blessed and forever thankful to be called his child.

Psalm 30:12
That my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Season of Discovery

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22864-what-to-know-when-youre-25ish

I've come to realize that at a stage where you think you should have your life all figured out that maybe you are just supposed to discover who you are a bit more. It seems that as you go through college you are meant to find yourself there - find your religion, your dream job, your hobbies and friends and maybe even a spouse (for some...that may be higher on the list). For me, college was that first little leap away from curfews, my parents, and naivety. It was a good learning experience but I think I went in with some unrealistic expectations. Here I am, 25 (ish) years and in an incredibly different season, which seems to be more challenging than the lax schedule and difficulties of college (I was so blinded then).

Honestly the post-college life has been one big challenge. In one minute things can drastically shift and turn your world around or put a twist on all agendas you thought were seemingly solidified. It has been a time of organization and re-organization. A time of settling to a time of researching. A time of being found to feeling lost. Feeling wanted and being rejected. Needing space to sensing freedom. All vise-verse at times. Stark contrasts. Yet, feeling like you are in the grey more often than not.

I can't say I have answers. I can't say I even know where I'm headed or what I am to be doing. I'm in grey, but there is this thing tugging at my heart: it is okay to be here and it can be the biggest joy if I allow it to be. I won't say I'll always feel that way towards this season, but maybe if I have a joyful attitude, I'll be able to learn and grow and maybe find more of who I am and who I am created to be in this world. I think the biggest encouragement in this time is really believing I'm in the image of God. Some of His attributes are innately in me, which means He has a use for that - a reason for me. I just don't want to miss that, and my prayer is that I follow His journey for my life. I hope I can remember that.

P.S. Self Discovery: I love vintage and color, thus, I love the picture of the luggage.

PeaNUTS

Lucy is teaching me some lessons:

• Be confident in yourself because you are valued and loved by someone. You may just miss it otherwise.
• It is better to build a person up than to tear them down. Clearly both parties are hurt in the end.
• Don't sweat the small stuff and make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be
• Yes, lost love can torture your mind and heart at times
• Communication is key
• Sometimes we need to hear truth, admit our faults, and grow

On Knees

Doing hard things is…..hard.

You have to be bold, be humble, be real about where you are in life. You have to look at where you are standing and evaluate it. Pick it up and see the imperfections and what needs to grow – what needs to be different – what needs pruning – what needs more water. Unfortunately, the mirror of yourself is not always what you want to see and it isn’t how you want to be. You know you are capable of so much more.

There is the reality you have to face about yourself. You finally have to deal with your imperfection and it is so hard to do because that is at the heart of you…those are the parts that we want to ignore but at the same time overcome.

I’m a very weak person at parts of my core. I don’t want to feel alone or unloved. I rely on others to make me happy far too often. I never want to be viewed as a weak person, unconfident, or a screw-up. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not unique or special. I want to have it all together and be perfect. I like to avoid those parts of me because it is painful – it isn’t who I want to be, and I want so much more for myself. The reality is that we have to do hard things to strengthen weaknesses – to change habits – to become a renewed being – and believe that we are treasured possessions. Pruning takes time, takes painful clipping, takes back breaking work, takes humility, and sometimes means forcing ourselves to do the thing we don’t want to do at all: surrender.

You see, we will never get anywhere in our lives if we don’t learn to surrender to Jesus Christ. How many times do we think all the work is on us and try to do it our own way. We play God, thinking we can do it on our own. How many times do we rely on others – letting them be God for us. And how many times do we fail to realize that God has done it all for us and we need to just surrender. I’m just thinking of the time Jesus was in the garden before his death. He asked God if there was any other way that He would take the burden from him. Knowing me, I would have just tried every other way. Jesus prayed, cried out, but surrendered. There was no other way – and Jesus had to endure the “hard.” And he did (and if you read it wasn’t easy and there was PAIN). Ultimately, what came from Jesus’ pain and surrendering was the most beautiful event in all the world – pure love and healing.

Doing hard things is hard – it is a dying to yourself and a surrendering to the will of the Lord. It hurts beyond imagination and you feel like you are dying at times – like you can’t handle much more – one more piece of straw and you’ll break. But the result of surrender will be pure love and pure healing and pure blessing. It is hard to believe this could happen for yourself (for me), but the Word has already been fulfilled, so why wouldn’t it now?

Toilet Paper

The moment. The moment you realize something is wrong. Those stares from other people are just an indication that you aren't getting something right. You feel a little exposed but wonder if you are just blowing things out of proportion. You look around at others - trying to read the shift in their body language. What are they trying to tell you? And then it catches your eye. I'm that person...the one with toilet paper stuck to my shoe....or food in your front teeth....or your fly is down....

You ever feel you don't get it right? You ever feel like you need to get it right all the time - to be that perfect person? So often I think we try to look put-together in front of those we love (and those we think we want to love us). We don't necessarily get down to the nitty-gritty gross parts of our lives because we are afraid. Afraid of what? Rejection. Losing our worth. Giving into unknowns. Being exposed. Embarrassed.

I'm so often reminded that I'm not perfect, and for someone like me who likes to know how things are going to play out or to have a "backup plan," I find myself on my knees when things don't go the way I thought. Ultimately, my weaknesses are out in the open for people to harp on or for me to harp on myself.

Here is a hymn I love...and what I love most is the first verse because it constantly keeps me in perspective of my where I stand in life - that my life is not my own, my strength is weak, and I have a Savior that wants to take control and show me His power and love for me, and all he asks is for me to be faithful and watch. We don't always get it right and sometimes we have toilet paper stuck to our shoes. Luckily, there is always a chance for it to be removed.

Jesus Paid it All
(Listen here)

I hear the Savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

It's washed away! All my sin! And all my shame!

And when before the throne
I stand in him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead (x6)

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Hilltop

One foot in front of the other...I take this path so often I could probably run it in my sleep. 24 years I have walked and run these sidewalks. I have traveled miles on them only to find that there is this place. This special view that gets me everytime. You hate getting there - sweat beading down your face, short breaths that seem harder than they should be, burning sideaches that threaten you to turn around, running up hills that make your legs scream...but there you find yourself. Some people probably miss it...they don't realize that right in their own neighborhood on this hilltop is a view overlooking the next town - at night it is one of the most beautiful views. The light from the town softly lifts into the sky and as you look up you can see stars, the moon, the stillness. It is here I am reminded just how small I am. It is so easy to get caught up in life. Your problems, your struggles, your desires seem so large in the day-to-day. Your focus is so easily drawn to yourself. But I stood on that hilltop tonight - looking out on this small town and everything faded for a moment and I came to a reality: I am small, and He is "I Am" - He is so much bigger than my issues, my strength, my fears, my desires. And I was fully aware of my weakness, my need for a Savior. Here is a blameless man who carried a cross - for me...a selfish and sinful person. And I thought...why? Why did You do that for me? For someone who You knew would reject You time and time again? I'm so unworthy of that kind of love, yet you know what I long for is unfailing love and you give it to me time and time again - even after all I've failed to give you. How many times have I lost the beauty of this? How many times have I not been moved by His unfailing love? On the hilltop, I sat for a moment with my Savior and cried out, "I'm sorry. Forgive me."

::Bind up these broken bones/Mercy bend and bring me back to life/But not before you show me how to die::

Kick the Bucket

What do you want to do before you die? I'm sure you have thought about all the things you would hope to accomplish before you are taken from this world. Often I have thought about this and I usually think long term: have kids, travel to Italy, own a house, be debt free - you get the picture...

Bucket Lists.

I think of the preview of the movie...old men living their old man lives fulfilling their bucket list. Well...I'm reinventing this. I've got my bucket list, but it isn't for me to complete when I'm older...it is for me to complete 6 months from November. I've kept it realistic. There may be some items on my list you find simple. I want to enjoy small things, but there are challenges as well - tasks that take commitment, spontaneity, time, vulnerability. Ultimately...I've created a list that isn't unreachable but isn't easy either. Hopefully when April ends, I can have all items crossed off my list and start a new one.

6 month Bucket ListLearning to live like there is no tomorrow…NOW!

1. Run the 10k Turkey Trot in Kirkwood, MO (so it rained...my sister and I ran a 5k though on Saturday)
2. Bake a side dish for Thanksgiving (one day I’ll get to the turkey) - I made stuffing!!!!3. Visit my old roommate, Suzanne, in KC4. Take a photography class to learn more about my camera - woohoo! I know how to shoot manually now! Thanks, Fresh Art Photography5. Compete in a 5k Trail Run
6. Pay too much money to eat chocolate at Bissinger’s in the Central West End
7. Have lunch with my Opa
8. Write and re-write a poem in one of the following forms: sestina, villanelle, or sonnet
9. Read a book for pleasure
10. Spend a fall afternoon in the park with a blanket
11. Spend an evening listening to Dave Barnes at Blueberry Hill (and watch him shake his hips)12. Go to at least one event my church puts on (GYO, forum, Midrash, or Theology at the Bottleworks…etc.)13. Train and run my second half marathon
14. Carve a pumpkin
15. Visit my sister at college
16. Either go to a Blues game or go to a bar, eat pizza, drink a Bud Select and cheer on the Blues…basically just bleed Blue for a night

17. Learn and perfect a new recipe and make it for others - Chicken Cacitorri (or however you spell it)18. Read a book about Christianity (Options: Case for Christ, Church Planter, Sacred Romance, or Radical)
19. Go dancing for a night – I don’t care what kind – but line dancing, salsa dancing or any other form is perfectly acceptable
20. Throw a football or Frisbee in the park with a friend
21. Watch a Christmas movie with hot chocolate & blankets during the season with whoever would want to join me22. Learn how to do something that I've never done before (very general, but I’m open to suggestions)

24. Document the occurrence of each "Bucket List" item (i.e. Blog post and pictures)

funtastic

I think we're here for each other.
-- Carol Burnett

Isn't it true...that people are put in your life for great reasons. If it weren't for other people, I would be a very different person. People shape you and can help you expand your perspective, your life experiences, and your understanding of yourself.

Today, I was able to hear a dear friend's perspective of me. That maybe I need to let loose a little and enjoy life's little treasures a bit more. I think there is some truth to their assertion, which can be a little hard to hear, but it is needed. Trust me, I am a girl of fun, but sometimes I think it is easy to get caught up in the nitty-gritty of life - to want what others have and lose sight of what you have been given and blessed with.

I'm in this wonderful stage of my life where maybe I am the black sheep and not doing things the way my friends are, but there is beauty in that. I have the opportunity to experience life in my own unique way. There is always a time to be serious and real about your responsibilities, but there is also that time to just have fun and enjoy life - to enjoy your friends, your hobbies and passions, to dream and explore, to challenge yourself and do new things.

So here is the deal. I'm creating this list of things I seriously want to accomplish within a year (a realistic goal/list). Whether it is to go to a restaurant I've never been to or a trip or a concert - whatever it is, I want to have fun and actually do it. Sometimes the serious side may come out, but it is also time to just be joyful.

Mosaic

I just came from Kaldi's - a coffee shop. Take three very different 20-something females who have known each other for about 10 yrs., stick them in a coffee shop, and let their mouths run and you've got quite an interesting evening. Don't you wish you were a fly on the wall - or maybe not. Either way, life is just not the same without your girls.

I love my girls. They inspire me, strengthen me, encourage me, cry with me, laugh with me...e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. with me. We can look at pictures of really attractive guys on Facebook and laugh about it when a status update is almost made with a guy's name (yep...this is true thanks to mobile aps) and the next minute cry over how so-and-so broke our heart or how our job makes us wish we were....fillintheblank. And then we'll move onto talking about the church sermon and how we come at it with different perspectives, but we challenge each other's views or learn from each other's perspective. Then I wouldn't be shocked if you saw us get in a little tiff or disagree about something one of us were doing. We gain insight. We raise our voices and get frustrated. We hear advice we don't want to hear. Say things that are honest and truthful, and at other moments bite our tongue. We laugh too loud and people probably find us to be really annoying (yes, we are "those" girls). We agree. Talk shoes and clothes....boys....and life.

Girls are complicated. We mix every part of our lives with every other part of our lives and sometimes we get so lost in it all. One minute we can be a certain emotion and then it can all of the sudden switch the complete opposite with no warning. We fight hard and are strong, yet sometimes we just feel so weak and like we can break any moment and we do - right in front of each other.

I say all of this because here is what you have: three very different personalities and walks of life doing life together. We probably don't make much sense on paper, but when you put us together, we fit and have a beautiful friendship.

And here is what I'm getting a glimpse of: my life can be one big mess of complicated. I probably don't make much sense on paper (and I'm not sure I make much sense at all), but I'm sure all my pieces are in the process of making a beautiful picture even if I don't necessary see it all coming together.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" --Hebrews 11:1

Un-plan

Here's the thing. I come from a line of very special women. Women who like to dabble their hands into different things. Yes...I am beginning to enter the photography world with my DSLR, and for the past two years, running has become a new hobby, but this isn't what I'm necessarily talking about.


You see, there was once this wonderful woman - Grandma Rita. As time passed on, she seemed to shrink a few more inches every time we saw her, but she was the woman who taught me and my sister to play cards, only she could make the cheapest frozen pizza taste like it belonged in a restaurant, she loved Wheel of Fortune (and clapped along with the audience), and she was always a hard worker. Never was there a moment where she would relax. She was cleaning, doing laundry, or screaming at my brother to stop beating up his sisters or to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Family was her thing and she would do anything for them.

Unfortunately, there is this need for control in the lives of the women in my family, but I'm starting to think everyone is searching for control in some way or another - even if it is something like doing laundry and working hard for your family. I am a planner. A perfectionist when I can be. A girl who likes to know what is coming ahead - who likes to know what the future holds. Just like my Grandma felt the need to always clean and keep her house in order, I often feel the need to control my situations and to do things right to make sure they don't go wrong. Inevitably, you realize that being "in control" does not always go as you pictured and eventually something will go wrong because you aren't perfect.

I thought that I had a handle on life, but now I'm at this place where all plans I ever made are no longer plans at all. I'm not exactly sure what lies ahead. I don't have any major ideas of where I'm headed or what tomorrow holds, and the "control freak" in me is learning to let go. I'm learning that this is the best place to be. To let go of plans and just let God use me. And it is hard because that need for control always pops up and tries to convince you that you need to take the reins, but there is God who is so much better at doing that than I am - and His results are always more fulfilling and better than my own. Learning.

Sounds

You start with a broken heart. It is a complete shock at first because it turns your whole world around. You try looking for answers - to understand why and how you got to this place, but often times there is no conclusion or response...only silence. And yes...you go on living, but everyone is so happy it seems, and you...well you try to be that happy person and not ruin everyone's good mood, but it is pretty impossible. You will break out in tears or miss a conversation or someone asking you a question because you are wishing for that one person to be sitting next to you or experience that moment with you. You are just sad and hurt because you wonder why love was not returned in the same way and what made it so hard for someone to love you back. You are left in pieces. You don't want to be here alone and broken - when they walked away, they took part of you with them. Now, it feels like the only option is to face what lies ahead, and you try to convince yourself nothing is wrong and good will come, but you are still in pieces, alone, crying, and sleepless.

When A Heart Breaks (listen here)
by Dave Barnes (at Blueberry Hill, November 4)

No one ever told me
It would come to this
What began with such a promise
Would end with such a twist

I lean into the whisper
But I don't hear a thing

It's a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, in pieces
It's the sound of mistake
As I lie here awake
Sleepless, sleepless

This is the sound that is made
When a heart breaks

Everybody's laughing
Maybe that's just me
Does something unrequited
Mean it will never be

I lean into the whisper
But I don't hear a thing

It's a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, in pieces
It's the sound of mistake
As I lie here awake
Sleepless, sleepless

This is the sound that made
When a heart breaks

Please don't leave me here

Life, for now, I've come to fear
You've dropped me off and left me here
With nothing here to find my way
But the lights you take as you pull away

Far ahead the brush is moving
There's others here and good is proving
Nothing's wrong, it's in my mind
Nothing's wrong and I'll be fine

It's a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, in pieces
It's the sound of mistake
As I lie here awake
Sleepless, sleepless

Walking

So, I would say I've always questioned my singing abilities even though I sang in the choir in high school and was even on the worship team as a vocalist with Campus Crusade for Christ in college. I'm a big harmonizer, but still not confident to let it be known. This may have been caused by my brother who once recorded me while I had headphones on and was belting out Dixie Chicks "Cowboy Take Me Away." (God help us all!) Well, I had no idea I was being recorded and he said I was bad. So I think I've believed him ever since.

But, I love to sing. I wish I could do it for a job but that is just unrealistic - so yes, I'm that singer in the shower (when I know no one will hear me), and I'm definitely the singer in my car! If you were driving next to me, you would probably laugh at me. But I don't care...I just sing because music helps me when I don't know how to describe my life, but a song does it perfectly.

A beautiful friend gave me a "coping" CD to listen to and there is this song that just is so lovely to sing along to. I love it. It is my current song that I pump up the volume while I sing along (and yes...I will sing it even if I'm being recorded - no matter how bad it may sound):

IF YOU WANT ME TO (listen here)
by Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Truthful Heartbreak

Revelations from Heartbreak:

1. You are stronger than you think you are
2. But it is so easy to get caught up in lies like: you weren't good enough, you did something wrong to get to this place, you can't take another day, you deserve to be lonely the rest of your life, you aren't pretty or desirable, you'll never be able to move on, or stand strong, or trust again...fill in the blank
3. And it is also easy to do anything to try to make yourself feel better, but not everything is the right way or best way to make yourself feel better
4. That song that says "A heart don't break even" is true - at least it seems that way. The person doing the breaking seems to have an upper hand
5. Sometimes, Facebook and other social networks only makes things worse. That first picture of him/her with another girl/guy will break you. It is never easy to let go, but don't torture yourself - maybe for now you should de-friend for your own sanity
6. But know that even a simple (but not so simple) click of the mouse will bring loads of tears and more pain
7. Because you may love and care for that person so very much - even after all of it - and it is okay to still have those feelings - you would be superman or woman if they magically disappeared. Maybe, for some, those feelings may be legitimate and come to fruition again, but you have to live thinking that they will never be there in the future
8. Walk with God e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y. - As Pastor Darrin said, "When you can't see His hand, trust His heart" - I don't see why God brought me to this place (or why it was ever there to start with) but I strive to trust His heart. There is a purpose. You have a purpose. And He won't keep you in your pit forever if you trust that He is drawing you closer to Him if you OBEY!
9. But be okay with asking questions and telling God how you really feel. Honesty: I'm mad at God. I'm don't get why He took me through all of that and still has me in mire and why I still feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach over and over again. Wrestle with God because He will not fail you...don't fake it
10. Don't fake it means being real with your feelings - if you hurt, hurt. If you feel like crying, cry. If you want to hit something, hit a pillow. If you need to talk, talk to mentors or people who are spiritually strong. If you are sad, be sad. And we all need to learn, so learn. And if you need to grow up, grow up. And if you need to question, question...
11. But know that when you question, there may not be answers and you may have to learn to be okay with that
12. But also know there will be many days where you won't be okay with a lot of things
13. And other days tears are easier to find than any sort of good...you'll learn that crying is a norm in your daily life. I'm surprised I haven't been in a car accident yet. My car is my crying haven.
14. Pray with all of your heart and if you need to physically get down on your knees, then get down...if you find you end up laying on the floor, then lay on the floor. You've got to pray.
15. Don't try to fill empty voids with meaningless things - it will never work - the temporary relief could only hurt you more and potentially hurt others

I'm still in this mess and could probably add a bunch more, but I would be curious:

What have you learned through your moments of heartache? Or what would you add? What would you revise or make a Part II to?

Be

Another blow.

Learning that just "being" is worship and the best I can offer right now.

I'm pretty destroyed and questioning what God's love is. This doesn't seem like love at all.

Redefined and Refined

So I know it has been a while since I've actually rambled. I haven't been ignoring you, but I just didn't want to ramble on and on and on about my life and bore you to death. I get sick of hearing myself sometimes and would rather just have you listen to songs I love or remind myself that life can still be fun. I'm sure I sound melodramatic at times, and I won't lie - those are honest feelings and sometimes right in the raw moment, but I also am trying to live a life that still exudes joy even though there is not always happiness (I'm learning the big difference between those two words joy and happiness because there is a BIG difference).

I'm sure you know I'm not in a place in my life that I would consider any sort of happiness or what I had imagined for myself. At this age, I pictured my life to be filled with financial independence, a job that was at least something I dreamed of when I was younger - or for that matter, what I studied for four years in college, a different living situation (a.k.a. not my parent's house - though very gracious I am for them!), at least a prospect companion to share the good and bad of life with, and a faith that was strong and could handle anything. Whelp, life has taken quite a turn in all of these areas, and when you find yourself in this place of just...average...you begin to wonder if something is wrong with you or if it is just one of those "blah" moments that prepares you for something more. I've felt both emotions, and both are probably the right answers.

So in this moment of my "average" life, where I feel that all dreams or desires I've had for myself don't seem to have any movement or clear open door at the moment, my main goal has been to be a hard-core Jesus freak in the most non-freaky way. My only remedy for not going into mental disarray and being that completely annoying, negative Nancy person is to be with Jesus a lot. I listen to the cheese-ball Christian radio station and have for about 2 months now because anything else would just not put me in a good mental state (I am a fan of some Christian music, but lets be honest - some stuff is just cheese). I have joined a Bible Study where we actually are doing a more intense study of a book of the Bible (imagine that!) and I have homework every weekday! I am joining a Community Group at my church to talk about the sermon that was preached on Sunday, and I seek out friends/mentors to talk about life with and feel encouraged by when I'm down or just need to get out. I don't say this to show off how great of a Christian I am because I'm not that great of a Christian. I'm doing these things because I'm a wreck and messed up and honestly need all the Jesus I can get my hands on. He has to be my All because I'm learning that you can lose everything or be turned upside down in a minute. It is so easy to hold tightly onto what the world can give me, and some days it feels like I'm just trying to get by hour by hour, releasing my tight fist over and over again.

Sometimes I don't get life and God's overall plan. It can be so very painful at times (and often because of my own sin, sometimes not). I still tear up and shed a few when I think about my situation and the people/dreams I've lost or have had to let go of for now. My heart breaks a lot and there are still many pieces on the floor. I've been challenged to search deep and think hard about my life and I have no clear answers on most everything. I can't tell you why I am here at this moment in my life except that God wants me to learn and lean on Him only. Sometimes I don't know what He is trying to teach me, and my future is one big fat question mark. I'm learning my tomorrows are His alone. Sometimes I fight to take control of my life and future, but I'm learning I lose those battles and can fall hard when I don't trust that God has a greater purpose and plan that is good and lavished with love. My purpose is to fight to keep Christ close in my heart this hour and the next. Trust me, I fail, but God is redefining my knowledge of who he is, and I'm sure he is refining my heart to be more like His.

I'm fighting and sometimes it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, but I have to believe he is taking me beyond this "average" place for something that fulfills a much greater purpose.

Waiting for a Revelation

Right now, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a field. There are so many different directions my life could take - and so many different landscapes on the outskirts of this field. I almost don't know where to go from here, and anything could be a possibility. To some, this may be freeing, but to me...this is frightening. My world is open, but I don't feel a calling. I don't know where I'm to move or where I am to go. I have wishes, desires, dreams, but I'm not sure if any are to become a reality.

So, I sing this song:

Revelation (listen here)
by Third Day


My life,
Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

My life,
Has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without…

I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You

Sweet Dreams

As I plopped on my friend's couch after our fiery fish taco/Spanish rice dinner (a dinner I will cook over and over again because I'm proud I can make it!), I opened the pages of her Real Simple magazine. At first it was just something to browse while we chatted about life. Usually when I read magazines I like to start from the back and move my way forward. It really doesn't make much sense why I do it that way, but there is just something about magazine reading that makes me do it - probably because I look more at the pictures than read the articles, but this time my world was turned around. I glimpsed and then did a retake. Yes, my dream article:

Napping, a love story

If you know me, you know that I love to take naps. It is one of my hobbies. I've been made fun of for how much I nap. One of my most favorite gifts was a blanket someone gave me because they knew how much I loved to nap. Not only have I fallen in love with this blanket, but my family has as well, and it is now known as "Bear Blanket" because of its warmth and cuddibility. Thus, to have an article with the title "Napping, a love story" you bet I'm going to read it.

These words get me - get my obsession with naps:
A nap is not a nap without light. This is what distinguishes it from a good night's sleep. A nap is a stolen moment, not the natural culmination of the day. A nap is secret, illicit. It is sleeping during the day, and the day must be present and visible. There must be light ideally dappled in a garden or slanted through a window: soft and filtered and gentle. An afternoon sleep in a darkened room is not a nap, in my opinion. It is a migraine...not everything has to be useful, not everything has to lead to something more that sometimes, for no reason and with no purpose, you can just curl up on the couch, feel the soft breeze, and drift into a soft, delicious sleep that leads to nowhere in particular, and back again.

Naps are delicious. When light is filtering through the window, my bed is made (yep, I take naps on a made bed), and my bear blanket is waiting to be unfolded and wrapped around my body, I'm there and sucked into the beauty of a nap.

I loved this article so much that I ripped it out of the magazine so I could file it (for who knows what purpose) and I plan on taking a nap on Sunday.

The Hour

I've decided that to get a full picture of me here on this bloggity, I might as well give you glimpses of adventures I take, music I love, poems I read, poems I write, pictures I paint, and words that come from my heart (sometimes well thought out, sometimes just going with the flow).

So here is a glimpse of: Poems I Write

The Hour
by Elizabeth Simon

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick…
It goes on and on and on.
With every staccato the hand makes
A longing, a desire beats, beats, beats.

Semi-circle, half-circle,
I-don’t-know-where circle,
but it-will-come-full-circle circle –
that ding, ring of the hour..

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick tock…
Lub, dub, lub, dub, lub, dub…
anticipating a final declaration
It beats on and on and on

Take Me Out

For the past three weeks I have been mixing some running, P90x, and Frisbee into my workout routine - all of which have been fun and great! There is something about taking care of yourself and working out that just makes life a bit easier. I'll admit I'm not always motivated to do this, but I've been doing a pretty good job lately. Well, I didn't think anything could make me sore like P90x does, but I was proven wrong with this:

Softball Tournament

Yep, that's right. I played in an all-night softball tournament this weekend with my friend Amanda. Her team needed another girl so I offered to be the weak-link of the team and strike out more than they really wished. Well I did get an RBI and make it to home plate more than once so hopefully they didn't think I was that bad, but there is one problem: I can't move! When I think of softball, I don't think of getting that great of a workout, but I guess if you want a good one, stay up all night swinging a bat, rounding bases, and running back and forth from the field to the dugout. Your abs, arms, back, shoulders, forearms, and thighs will be sore for days.




Oh, and we went undefeated, making us the Champions! It was such a great night to just get out and enjoy life a bit. I haven't pulled an all-nighter since who-knows-when, but I made it...now I just hope I can make it through the next few days...moving around has been a little difficult with all my muscles screaming at me.

Singing

Safe
by Phil Wickam
(listen here)
Verse:
To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

Chorus:
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Verse 2:
Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

Bridge:
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

The "M" Word

I would say that most girls start young in their dreams of becoming married. I know I did. I think Barbie got married to Ken at least once a day. For a long time, we hear and are fed all the romantic and fun that you have in marriage...a wonderful life of travel, sex, cuddling, going home together, decorating your house, the joys of having to pick up his dirty laundry - how "wife" of you - eating all your meals together, having babies, etc. I think that sometimes we don't always see the reality of it until we are in it or someone opens up to us about it. Maybe, I've just been blind for so long.

I'm struggling. See...I thought marriage was something I always wanted - something that was so great and perfect, but lets be honest: there are major struggles in any marriage and everything is not peaches and roses. Maybe I've just heard/seen some pretty tough marriages lately, which is affecting my view, but perhaps I need to see this reality.

You are making a decision to be with one person the rest of you E.V.E.R-L.O.V.I.N.G life. Who would be so bold to marry me!? You know I've got my issues, yes I do...and you do too. It is a scary thought to think that I could love someone and he could love me through all the...well, let's be honest...shit - for like 50+ years, even! Seriously?! Emotions aside...you've got to buckle down and stick with that person when they smell, can't put their clothes in a laundry basket, annoy the hell out of you, and hurt you because they are being so darn selfish. And I apologize now to whatever poor boy decides I'm his for life. He will be so upset to know that I'm a bitch when I'm not in a good mood or Aunt Flow comes into town. I hold a grudge if you do not make me feel like you don't want me around. I am a drill sergeant when it comes to being on time to places (which isn't as bad as it used to be). If I'm hungry - you better watch out and not keep me from my meal too much longer. Oh I'm sure you all could point more flaws out in me...but I'll save myself from allowing you to. ;-)

Look...life isn't so much about marriage anymore. I hope one day I can have a family and all those "fun" things like traveling and coming home to him and sex because I think there are those wonderful and beautiful moments in a marriage and probably more often than I realize. However, marriage, I feel, may be so much more about serving the man I'm to be with - laying myself down for him when it is ugly. Choosing to stay married to him when I feel like I don't love him and I question if this was the right thing to do.

We are the bride of Christ. God's love for us shows the perfect example of how a marriage should be. He picks up our nasty laundry, deals with our spiteful and selfish attitudes, listens to our bitter and angry words, comes into our mess - the one we created, and instead of backing out and saying He is done, He picks up our nasty laundry and cleans it, He serves us despite our selfishness, He responds to our bitter and angry words with love and compassion, and He helps us rebuild the mess we've made. What amazing love.

No human love is perfect like Christ's and we will for sure fail...but if a man is ever called to commit to be in a marriage with me knowing full well the ugly they will endure and they still decide they will will rely on Christ and use His love for them as an example and blueprint...I would be so blessed.

Here's the thing: I think when you find that you know someone's crap and know there may be a lot more of it that you haven't realize but will once you get married and you still choose to commit, love, pray, desire communion with them like Christ does for you...that must be a pretty special person. I don't think God just brings those type of people into your life everyday.

Four Words

Once, when I was a little girl, I was so nervous, but excited. Awe struck...no, love struck. I had carefully crafted my heart on paper. My words were chosen carefully, but I wasn't trying to come on too strong. I just wasn't that kind of girl - even at such a young age. My idea of putting myself out there probably came off as more of a "friendship" message when I wanted so much more. I gave the missionary boy the letter...and quickly ran away. For once I went through with something, but it didn't matter. I wasn't strikingly beautiful or even overtly outgoing that I would be remembered. He never came. He didn't even come talk to me. I look back now and laugh - of course it wasn't meant to be - he was a missionary kid and moved around - only in town for a week at most. That was probably the biggest risk I ever took when it came to my little girl dreams: the note to the missionary kid.

I'm not usually a risk taker when it comes to love. In some ways, I will always be the quiet girl on the row of chairs who waits patiently for the boy to come ask me to dance. I'm the girl who watches friends experience that excitement first, and I tell myself over and over again...someday...and I do my best to put on my smile and keep my chin up. I'm not typical - I'm not a go-getter. I don't live under a rock (most of the time), but I come more alive when you find me and start a conversation with me, and if you want to take me on adventures, I will go with you and love every minute. I'll be honest, I'm picky, but once you've won me over, I will love you and cherish you forever if you would let me. My heart will be good to you and love you as best as I know how. I am not a mean person, at least I try not to be. I just want to be loved, accepted, appreciated and do the same for you. I will wrong you at times and be selfish, but I want to learn how to serve you more. I'm willing to forgive and try again, because I know I'm just like you - not perfect and never will be. I'm simple. I don't need fancy, but sometimes will glam myself up when I want to, but get my outdoor face on the next. I'm not afraid to trust and commit to you if you will do the same for me. I just want someone who will stick it out with me when I'm ugly and rude because they know I'm not always like that and that I have a soft, gentle side too. I want someone who isn't afraid of letting me in. I won't let you go or reject you...ever - no matter where you are in life, and you will never be an inconvenience to me. I strive to love you like Christ loves you. I'm not perfect at it - not one bit, but you can always know I will never stop trying.

This is me...the girl who takes no risks, yet will take the biggest risk with you.

God has some doors closed for now and sometimes I ask him, "Am I that messed up that you have to hold me back for a little while longer?" Maybe I am. Maybe I need to realize that Jesus gives me all I would ever need, and His love is enough. He is getting me there slowly. It may not feel like I am moving, but I'm trusting He is moving me closer to Him. I am trusting He is working on my heart to find only Him. In this journey, he is rebuilding those parts of my life that have been slowly destroyed from my youth because they have been without Him. I cry because I sometimes have a hard time trusting in His will, especially when my heart hurts so bad. But I know there have been those little moments in this darkness where he has tugged at me and said, "I love you, Elizabeth" and I'm trying to put my whole heart behind it and give him four hand squeezes: "I love you, too."

It is funny what you learn about love as you go through life. I think the Lord is revealing to me how to love, but even more than that, He is teaching me how to love Him first. Maybe one day the Lord will entrust me to put a guy in the right place: "The most important one...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all of your mind. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself," (Mark 12:29-30) but for now I believe He wants the first alone.

1 Blind Mouse

Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Oh how this Psalm speaks what I so badly need to cry out to the Lord. I first found this passage this week as I went through my Beth Moore Bible study. Today I started reading another book that had this exact same passage. You think the Lord is trying to get me to pray this? I might have to believe it is so.

Have you ever been in a moment where you are just so wishing to be removed from darkness. Verse 1-4 are completely my heart right now. I'm in a place where I feel like the Lord has forgotten me and is hiding his face. I feel like if the Lord keeps me here much longer, Satan is going to win a battle, and I'll be overcome and stuck with my unbelief. I'm like one of the three blind mice in Shrek trying to find my way around - I'm a fumbling idiot and probably look extremely hopeless and helpless. The only exception is that I probably don't look as cute as those little guys. My despair probably reads all over my face, and I know it is definitely affecting who I am - fun, strong, faithful Elizabeth. Am I even that woman anymore? My tune is the tune to a very different song in these days - definitely not one you would want to get up and dance to - not even ask me to come hang out. Talk about party pooper!


How could David pray this and yet say verse 5 and 6? That is my question. In my last post I talked about God's unfailing love. Deep down, I know He is lavishing me with love, but how could David honestly and boldly pray those last two verses when he was in such a state of despair?

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

I so badly wish I could pray these words with confidence and security, but I'll be honest - I'm questioning how I can trust unfailing love when my world has been turned upside down. Don't get me wrong - it is not that I don't desire complete trust in God and to fully believe His unfailing love is there for me - I do. So badly I do! I want to be secure and confident in God's unfailing love, but I feel like I'm a mess and failing miserably t0 understand and trust it. The catch is this is all probably His way of revealing His unfailing love and teaching me how to trust. It just seems like a battle where I'm so close to the edge of losing it all completely and being overcome by the enemy and his lies. Yet..."He has been good to me" and will be good to me...somehow. What a struggle.

Lord, give light to my eyes.

Shapening A Heart

One thing that you may not know about me is that I love all things that have the shape of a heart. I love my painting that I made of heart. I own a turquoise, heart-shaped ring and it is a buy I will never regret. And, if I have a daughter someday, bless her soul, she will have heart stuff whether it is a blanket, outfit, bow, shoes – I don’t know – but she will grow to love hearts from her crazy heart-loving mommy.

Maybe my love of hearts is a greater reality of my love for people. I’m one of those people who will love you and your heart if I get to see a little piece of it. I love the heart of my friends who are able to speak truth and grace to me. I love the heart of those who are breaking and can let others in during those times. I love the heart of those that listen when you just need to let it out. I love the heart of people who can admit their wrong but learn from it. I love the heart of those who are seeking for change and growth, truth and guidance even if it takes refinement so meticulous it hurts. I love the heart of those who are wise and patient with me. I love the heart of those who accept me when I’m crazy or plain ‘ole annoying. I love the heart of those who forgive me of my selfishness, and still love me all the same, time and time again. Hopefully I do the same.

Recently, I’ve been learning that I am usually aware how God loves and longs for the heart of others, yet I rarely see how He loves me. I would say I’m in a moment of refinement. The Lord is really working on my heart, because I have a great sin of unbelief – unbelief that GOD LOVES ME. Can you say that out loud? “God loves me.” Just say it…can you? Often times we want to change it and say “God loves you,” (I don’t have a problem telling you that) but no…I need to start saying, “God loves me!” because this is where I have trouble and unbelief. Why is it so hard for me to believe God loves me so much?

I think I may be finding answers to this question:
1. My unbelief in God’s love for me
2. My failure to understand God’s love

So what am I learning? That I have to make a choice. Emotionally, there will be times when I’m so into Jesus and feel his love, and at other times I question His love and it is probably based on my circumstances of life. You know what…it is time to make a choice about this - emotions aside. God loves me…ALWAYS. I will make it my choice, in times when I question this, to believe He does because He says He does in His word.

Here is the second part: God’s love can never really be understood, but we can learn more about His love more than we know now – God is just too lofty for me to fully know what His love is like, and I have a fragmented knowledge of God’s love. I humanize Him and think that His love is conditional, like man. Here is a truth. Do you know what all humans desire?

“What man desires is unfailing love.” –Proverbs 19:22

Unfailing love. Isn’t that just hard to imagine – someone who loves us unfailingly!?! When I think about all the people who love me, they have also failed in loving me someway whether they realize it or not (and I just as guilty). It isn’t necessarily their fault, but they just aren’t physically, emotionally, or spiritually possible to give me, give you what we all desire: unfailing love. I can’t even describe that kind of love, but God is that love. He is the ONLY person/thing that will love us unfailingly. Luckily for me, God is surpassing my fragmented knowledge of love and teaching me of the greater reality of what His love is. His unfailing love is all I need. Any other love He allows in my life (i.e. friendships, relationships, children, happiness, chocolate, etc.) is just an added blessing-bonus, an overflow of heart-shaped things.

I don’t have God’s love down perfectly and trust me, there are times when I question it…but in those moments where I’m facing unbelief, I am making a choice to trust the Lord of His unfailing love.

The Vow of Silence

It has been said that women speak or convey ~25,000 – 30,000 words a day while men only speak around ~15,000 words. I laugh when I think of how many women just bombard the men in their lives with thousands of words and thoughts. Those poor men having to listen to us. And we, yes, we poor woman when we baffle at men who say so little. I would consider myself a quiet person at times, but I’m sure if you gave me the chance I could talk your ear off as well, and I’m sure I am guilty of putting guys through more “Elizabeth-talk” than they really care for. Raised hand…guilty.

Right now, I am in this sort of “vow of silence,” which when you consider that it is in my womanly nature to speak 25,000+ words in a given day, I’m DYING! I’m sure working in a cubical everyday doesn’t help either. How do you stay silent when there is so much you want to say? How do you rest in peace and silence when you just want to burst out and make yourself known and heard and have someone respond?

You know the door is open to God to talk and pray. He is waiting for us to come to Him. Well, when I must remain silent, thank goodness God is not a man who can only verbalize 15,000 words a day and can’t bear to stand the thousands more that come from my mouth and thoughts (I’m probably more around 50,000 words these days). I have lots to talk about. I have a lot I want to know. Questions to ask, things to figure out, a Jesus to overwhelm. Yet in the midst of our talking, we are also called to be silent and rest. God says, “Be still and know that I am God.” What does being still look like? Does it mean lying on my bed waiting for an “Ah Ha!” moment as Oprah would say (why am I referencing this crazy woman??). Does it mean going on a walk and not talking? Does it mean not thinking (How could I possibly do that?).

Let me think out loud for a moment…being still…resting…resting means giving into our need of sleep…giving ourselves a break…letting things be the way they are for now, knowing it won’t be like that forever and we'll have better, lasting strength if we rest and nourish ourselves…being still…not moving…or maybe being calm, steady….resting in God…resting in the fact that He knows my needs…knows my heart and desires…resting in the fact He is doing something bigger, better…being still in God…having peace, not fear…being confident in His promises…knowing He will move me when it is time, but for now I should be still…

Less Traveled

"The Road Not Taken"
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler long I stood
And looked down one as far I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as far as that passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how the way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged into a wood, and I -
took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I would consider myself a follower - not much of a leader. I take the road often traveled by others. Take my best childhood friend as an example. She leads in everything, and I always tried to filled her steps when we were younger - one day we were playing and her leg hair was gone! What?! "Your mom let you do it?!" I was jealous and didn't want to be the outsider so I went home and begged my mom if I could shave my legs too. There was also another time she answered her door with a brand new, short haircut. What did I do? Yep, I chopped mine off too. She was the girl all the guys went for in 6th grade, and I was just her friend that they never really cared for. I actually dated a guy for 3 days in 6th grade after she and he broke up (talk about sloppy 6th grade seconds!). Oh, and her birthday is before mine, which means she of course got her license way before me (although really it was only two months, but it seemed like eternity).

Even in the midst of being a follower, I play by the rules hard and never tend to stray from them (goodie two-shoes, I'm telling ya!). I make sure everything is in its place or has a place. I am a people-pleaser. Basically, I could be taken advantage of because I just don't want to be on your bad side. Far too often, how I make decisions carefully considers how it impacts others or how others will respond to that decision. Sadly, this brings me to no life - at least not mine.

You see, life brings you a lot of paths you can take. However, it is like no one path is the same for anyone. I'm sure you can say you've had some interesting forks-in-the-road instantly appear throughout your life. There are hard decisions to make and everyone has their opinion about how you should go about making the journey. If I could do anything, I would just ask God to take me to Heaven instead of making difficult decision, but obviously, I think he has me at the fork for a reason. Here is my advice: Seek truth. Seek truth from God. Seek truth in His Word.

People are always going to give you their two cents. Coming from the girl who wants to make everyone happy - forget those people (am I acutally saying this? Sorry - shocker to me!). Yes, you can listen and take their advice for what it is worth and maybe some of it will be good for you to apply to your life - but, ultimately, my goal is to be in God's will. Right now, my life is at a fork in more than one area - maybe I need to take the road less traveled - maybe I need to take some risks. Maybe I need to take the road where people may not understand the "hows" or "whys" and may respond with a, "What are you thinking?" or "I don't know if you are making the right decision." Maybe.

So what now? I'll be honest. I'm nervous and don't necessary like the unknowns of life. The Lord is building in me a lot of trust in Him. He has taken a lot of my controlling hand off of my life. I know this is the best, but trusting can be hard...

Luckily this is what God says:
Matthew 17:20
"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you"

So my mustard seed faith is simply this: I know the Lord is good and has plans to prosper me. He will reveal to me which roads I am to take throughout my lifetime if I remain in Him.

It's Poppin'

So here we go. This past week has been a sort of emotional roller coaster. One moment you are up, the next you are down, but really the whole time you just feel...in LIMBO. Come ladies and gents: grab the stick and lets see how low we can go! You are just surviving minute by minute, hour by hour, and who knows when you are going to fall because it is just too much to keep your center of gravity. You know - there are no great "ups" in this world of "limbo," but you are no longer sobbing every.single.night...now it is just 6 of the 7 nights.

I've decided that there needs to be some sort of guide in times of limbo so here is my attempt to make these moments of unbearable agony, defeat, and rejection turn to just agony, defeat, and rejection.

The Ultimate Girls Guide to Finding a Half-Smile in Times of Despair:

1. Grab the Kleenex with Lotion: There is one good thing about all that crying - finding the most comforting Kleenex. Bypass the toilet paper and paper towel - girl, your eyes are going to be puffy and red so you might as well spare the rest of your face from getting all dry and cut from the excessive amounts of tears and rubbing. Pay that 80 cents extra for the Kleenex with lotion. Trust me. The soft fibers are really soft and that "lotion" makes crying a little less painful.

2. Retail Therapy: Now I will admit I'm cheap. You may think that when I say "retail therapy" I mean going all out and spending $$$ on clothes and shoes and all things that break the bank. Well this is what I have spent my money on: Lipgloss. In moments like these, you feel - what's the word - undesirable. You aren't undesirable - you are beautiful and still smokin' hot - but every girl will not feel pretty when a guy decides you aren't for him. Maybe it is that whole "fear of rejection" thing for me, but I had to do something to make myself feel pretty. My remedy was buying this lipgloss. Yes, intense color, I know - totally a purchase I would avoid any other time, but I need something new and fresh and different. Oddly, it kinda follows this mantra. Why do songs like this make it into existence? That's another subject for another time...Bottom line: you still have the great parts of you - so get one little thing that reminds you of that.

3. Babysitters Club and Hardy Boys: The famously blunt romanticist Jane Austen once wrote, "Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love." Boy, was she right! When you are finding yourself back to square one in the world of love (or whatever trouble for that matter!), you need your friends! Talk about my abuse of friendship lately. I'll pretty much do anything with my friends if they will let me interfere with their lives. Just last night I had dinner with my friend and her husband, who really haven't had one calm night in a long while. Of course I gave them a chance to reject me, but friends don't, and that is beautiful. I've had coffee nights, dinner nights, a beer pong night (I have never played before and was actually pretty good - I guess it is from all those years of avoiding it in college. So, because of my excellent beer-pong abilities - add that to my resume - I didn't get tipsy - but then again, if you know me, I a goodie-two-shoes and run away from these things). Anyways, you get the point. Stay close to the people who love you most, even if it is enjoying something you would never see yourself doing. Friends can't heal you or make anything truly better, but it is nice to know that you don't have to sit at home alone and stare at the phone or e-mail more than you have already.

4. Jesus (and Beth Moore): Currently I am in the early middle (does that even make sense?) of a Beth Moore Bible study called Breaking Free. If there is nothing more timely than this little gem and the Bible, well, I would be stuck in complete misery for a long time. You know God is the only thing that can get you free from whatever it is holding you back. However, I've come to realize that there is always one area of our life where we will be in limbo. You know why? Because God wants you to look to Him and seek Him out. I love the Word of God because it is the only thing that I can find to be true. Yes, it is quite difficult to believe and live out at times because it seems like you are the one person who can't possibly do such a thing, but God's promises are real, and I can't wait to see what He is doing. You better believe I'm struggling to understand why God has me going through what I'm in right now. He may not show me all the reasons why, but He does promise that He makes all things good for those who love Him and obey Him. As Beth Moore writes, "Trusting God's sovereignty means trusting that if He has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use mightily if the child will let Him." I'm still crying, there is still pain, but I know the Lord will use me and you for His will.

So, I have my Kleenex infused with lotion, my lipgloss, friends, and Jesus with encouragement from Beth Moore. Maybe my list is just a list that you need in every moment of your life - whether good or bad!

Black Sheep

In a world where elaborate and over-the-top weddings are all the rage, television shows like "Platinum Weddings," "Say Yes To The Dress," and "My Fair Wedding" have top ratings, blogs like oncewed.com, stylemepretty.com, and 100layercake.com/blog show you how to DIY your wedding because you can't afford the platinum one, magazines such as Martha Stewart Weddings grab your attention with dreamy images of wedding gowns you can't afford, chick flicks like 27 Dresses fantasize and exaggerate hope for the bridesmaids that sing "Bennie and the Jets" on bar tops, and lets not forget those romance novels, dating books, marriage books - all things "I DO" related books - that shove "real life" dating/marriage/romance tips down your throat, (breathe) it is hard to be a SINGLE woman!



I'm not going to lie to you: I don't want to be single. It took me 23 years to actually experience my first relationship. Until that moment, I had to swallow a pill every time another girlfriend started the dating process and left me in the dust. I would hear the "boom boom boom...(insert Queen vocals) Another one bites the dust...boom boom boom." Then, those fanciful girl nights when we would go through the emotional saga of "is he the one?" played with my feeble innocence - I was living through these girls. I had so much hope then and could still picture a dreamy, romantic guy just wisping me off my feet. High School graduation approached with me still single. While listening to girls talk about their excitement of the future with their hearts okay because they have a boyfriend, there is nothing more encouraging when they told me, "You'll have guys flock at you in college. Trust me." So much for college. All I ended up with was living with 7 other girls who were all at one point engaged (4 of the 7!!!) or in a relationship. Engagement rings with carats too many to count swayed back and fourth throughout those halls and boyfriends doing cute, romantic things for the other 2 were forcing me to my room gagging, or pouting, or whatever. Of course, with engagement rings comes engagement parties, bridal showers, bridesmaid dress fittings, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, wedding day, wedding send-off, bliss...



Well, today I find myself single. Great. So thrilled to start from...start from where? I don't know how to do this! Really? I have to do this again? Last time I at least had friends that I felt I could catch up to or follow in step with as their relationship stati progressed, but I have to do this "single" thing when they are all, all...married!?!



The only way I know how to do this is just to survive. That has been my keyword for the past few days: survive. So, my very first method to surviving was baking. I had to promise myself I wouldn't eat my feelings as I re-enter this stage of single-hood, so of course, I baked cookies. I did pretty well meaning I indulged a little, but I kept it in check so that I didn't feel the weight of flour and sugar and chocolate in my stomach and extend to my butt and thighs. I'm sure there will be a lot of interesting emotions I'll face along this journey I have entered in my mid-twenties. Don't tell me I'm still young and have plenty of time. I know that, but seriously...are you married? Then I really don't want to hear it. Trust me...I'm keeping my head on straight and seeking Jesus. I really am that kind of girl, but this will be my vent outlet and just let you in on the things I find to be humorous or interesting about finding your way through a break-up into....well, we don't know where I'll end up...so into something. Of course, throughout this bloggity, I'm sure you'll get my serious side too. Just look below and there you'll find a little already!



So...here we start the journey of the black sheep: ME!

ABLE

So...

Distractions are my friend right now. I pretty much am filling up my time with about anything I can think of. For instance, in the past few days I have gone antiquing, baked some cookies, went to bible study, survived work, had a friendship lunch date, washed my car, ran 2 miles, had a friendship date at Kaldis (coffee shop), ran 3 miles, took picture of random things and I plan to have a girls night tonight, clean and run tomorrow, have a night out on Friday, and get a pedicure with my mom and sister on Saturday. Yet, in the midst of all of this, I still have to process and think and muddle through...life.

There are just so many things that come...even just simply cleaning out my purse, because it is feeling way to heavy to be a purse, brought a tinge of pain (and when I mean tinge, I don't mean tinge at all). Unexpected moments just come and blindside you. The only thing I know is that prayer with God is everything. I talk to Him, and I am bluntly honest. I love that I can talk to God and tell Him everything I am saying and He listens. He gives me that moment to be mad and upset or completely hysterical or just blah.

You wouldn't think there would be joy, but there is. You wouldn't think there would be hope, but you experience it in ways you wouldn't think. And, when you find yourself down, it is amazing that you can pray for other people in your life. I don't think I've had more hope for individuals in my life who also find themselves in mire than I did last night. But I know God has them and me, and we will be set free because HE IS ABLE.

Just Call

It's heavy....beware



Heartbreak sucks. The first night of sleep is no sleep at all. The one night you don't want to think about how bad it hurts, even your dream is filled with memories or people that make it feel like you never went to bed. The next day you cry at the littlest things, and every minute you try to find a way to not think or hurt or run into a memory, but you do. They find you at every corner. You have about 20 different emotions: saddness, anger, bitterness, hope, hurt, exhaustion, pain, doubt, envy, loneliness, discouragment, laughter, cautious, embarassed, reflective, remorseful, mournful, longing, madness, craziness...it goes on and on and on. You'll find yourself with emotions you never even knew existed. There is a pang in the pit of your stomach. It hurts. Your eyes are so tired and puffy, yet you are wide awake thinking....exhausting ever little thought. You try to search for hope...to hold on, but there is nothing to hold onto. It is gone. It's gone. And I'm left in tears.

I have to remind myself of some things. God is able. There is a passage in Matthew 9 (I believe) where a man says to the Lord. "I believe. Help my unbelief." This guy is in this moment where he wants to so badly believe that the Lord is able, yet he is so true to the fact that he faces unbelief in his heart. I believe in God. I believe He is the only thing in my life right now that is keeping me breathing, but I am in the same breath experiencing unbelief. Unbelief that I can be okay. Unbelief that He has it all together and taking me somewhere beyond-my-comprehension good! Unbelief that I will find the Lord and be okay with just that. I want all of these things so badly. I want to be okay with not knowing where the Lord is taking me. I want to be okay with Jesus. But my unbelief is weighty. I have desires that the Lord has taken away, and I'm not sure how to handle those. I'm not sure how to be or deal or let be. Letting go is so hard when you've held on for so long. When you have loved for so long. So I must repeat over and over...Lord, help my unbelief. Lord, I know You are able.

The pain inside has erased your hope for love.
But soon you will find
that I'll give you more than your heart could ever want
and so much more.

Call My Name, say it now.
I want you to never doubt.
The love I have for you is so alive.

Ramblings of a shoe-aholic

I'm am pretty sure shoes will be the death of me. They are my weakness. Whenever I am having a bad shopping day because I needed to find a new pair of jeans, but as I struggle in the fitting room finding myself hating my God-given hips as every pair of jeans are tossed to the side because no one makes jeans to fit "just right" on my baby-bearing pelvic/hip bones, I resolve my frustration by heading to the shoe department. I may not buy anything, but just trying on shoes somehow makes me less frustrated.



So, it was funny when I came across this webpage through Facebook. A little stalker-ish how I found it, but the lengths I'll go for shoes is funny. Although I'm pretty cheap so buying any shoe that is not on sale is like the one time that you buy funnel cake at the fair. Really. I don't think I've ever bought a funnel cake. Ever.




But these I love. I would think I could be daring and wear these out and about. I might just be too self-conscious though. I would like to think otherwise. I would find an occasion for these.


There is nothing better than shoes. They will always be my fashion accessory of choice!

Unpredictable

This past weekend I went camping with a few friends. The hot, muggy weather was enough to make it a bit miserable, but the overall experience was so worth it. I grew up camping and hadn't been for a while, so Kirk and I packed up our stuff and hit the State Park for a weekend of "roughing it."

The first night we set up camp, sat away from the campfire, and hit the sack...Well, we tried our best. A this state park, you had to put your tent on the specified "pad," which was gravel. Nothing like sleeping on rocks. Sleep was not too great considering the heat, gravel padding, and the thunderstorm that came through at 4 a.m. The only redeeming thing was that the rain cooled off the hot temps.

One of the most enjoyable parts of this weekend was going to Johnson Shut-Ins and Elephant Rocks. Elephant Rocks is a State Park that has huge "elephant" rocks. We climb, jumped, and squeezed ourselves amoung the rocks. There are queries there and swimming holes. We stayed away from those (though it looked temping) because they looked a little stagnant.

By Sunday morning we packed up and headed home. Good thing because Kirk and I both woke up a bit crabby from sleeping on rocks for the past two nights. We made breakfast when we got to my parents house and the rest of the day was dedicaed to taking a nap and celebrating Fathers day.

It was great reliving a bit of my old camping days. Kirk and I had a great time, and it is another adventure to add to my experience.

Still

As I've entered into photography world (thank you, Cannon Rebel xsi) I've begun to absolutely love taking pictures. I've always loved being creative and finally I have a nice camera to expand this hobby. I love shooting people because usually it is of my friends and those I adore (maybe it will one day be of clients), but I have truly loved taking still shots of things that may go unnoticed.

I'm no master photographer and don't have any fancy equipment besides the basics, and I still do not know the ins and outs of all the things I can do on my camera, but I am learning. One of the fun things is experimenting, learning, and figuring out how to achieve better shots.

So...here are just a few of my favorite still shots...They are by no means perfect or high quality photography, but I love them because it is the beginning of a new adventure.

This sock monkey only reminds me of one cutie, Gus Hill. I love the perspective of this shot:














This is in Forest Park. My friend Emily and I were taking a walk and she loved the silhouette of the couple against the fountain. I would have to agree with her.




















This little guy is quite the character. He works the puppy eyes too well.














Finally, the Muny in Forest Park. I imagine this picture being even more perfect with a bride and groom (and a few other adjustments). However, this picture means so much because my wonderful boyfriend fought the cold weather with me and used his creative talents to look for great shots.