I know that lately I've tried to supress areas of my life where I have felt hurt or alone or shamed - feeling like You have forgotten me or that somehow my cries are hidden from You. I'm sorry that I have felt this way because You don't hide yourself from me; instead, I often find that I am the one who is keeping myself from You. I rely on my own abilites or try to keep myself strong, but You are anxiously awaiting to grant me your strength - to show me the power You can achieve through my life if I just put my hope in You. You have brought out the stars in the night sky and You know each one by name. Never does one go missing. It seems unfathomable that the majestic beauty of the stars and Your care for them has no comparison to the love and care You have for me. For me, your love is far greater. You know me by name, and You never let me go missing. Thank you for the promise of being able to run without growing weak and walking without being faint. My failure is where I think I can do this on my own, but I can only achieve such things by the power and strength of the One who has ever-lasting power. As I face a future, a tomorrow, of unknowns, I want to rise and place my hope in Your constant and ever-lasting strength. I want to know You and see Your glory illuminate darkness. I'm not sure how or what this looks like for my life, but as I take each step in my day, I long to be led towards a purer example of love, a wider understanding of truth, a greater assurance of Your will, and a deeper hope in all that You are.
isaiah 40
Sunday, January 30, 2011
PJ's and Curled Hair
New beginnings.
Start with a disappointed heart and maybe something new. Perhaps a haircut or moving into an apartment. Maybe just going for a run.
You buy the feeling of home with lamps and trinkets and crockpots or haircolor or shoes.
Big dreams of coming home after a evening-lit night with friends.
Until you find yourself staying at home all day with not much accomplished except for a painted face and curled hair. Normally considered wasted effort, but maybe tonight I needed to feel done up even though no eyes would see.
So what do you do when plans with friends fall through? Facebook. Movies on tv. Bake. Paint nails. Cuddle with blanket. Revamp blog. Be inspired. Listen to music. Write. Think. Be.
Independence grows. Hobbies become necessity. Love is found in a book. The art of being alone is illuminated when you imagine a room of people, but you end up being the only one in the room. Sometimes it is uncomfortable and uneasy. Other days it is comforting and relaxing. Always a balance that never seems to set perfectly. You wonder if anyone else you know feels the way you do.
Maybe new friends need to come along.
Maybe I should get some babysitting jobs.
Maybe I'm a recluse.
Maybe I just need to go see a movie in the theater by myself and enjoy the moment.
This moment...it may not always be ideal, but it can definitely be beautiful.
Unknowns are widespread and at times, unwanted, but life is a blessing - not meant to be wasted.
Joy can be found when you understand that you are not complete yet and there is still a journey calling
Start with a disappointed heart and maybe something new. Perhaps a haircut or moving into an apartment. Maybe just going for a run.
You buy the feeling of home with lamps and trinkets and crockpots or haircolor or shoes.
Big dreams of coming home after a evening-lit night with friends.
Until you find yourself staying at home all day with not much accomplished except for a painted face and curled hair. Normally considered wasted effort, but maybe tonight I needed to feel done up even though no eyes would see.
So what do you do when plans with friends fall through? Facebook. Movies on tv. Bake. Paint nails. Cuddle with blanket. Revamp blog. Be inspired. Listen to music. Write. Think. Be.
Independence grows. Hobbies become necessity. Love is found in a book. The art of being alone is illuminated when you imagine a room of people, but you end up being the only one in the room. Sometimes it is uncomfortable and uneasy. Other days it is comforting and relaxing. Always a balance that never seems to set perfectly. You wonder if anyone else you know feels the way you do.
Maybe new friends need to come along.
Maybe I should get some babysitting jobs.
Maybe I'm a recluse.
Maybe I just need to go see a movie in the theater by myself and enjoy the moment.
This moment...it may not always be ideal, but it can definitely be beautiful.
Unknowns are widespread and at times, unwanted, but life is a blessing - not meant to be wasted.
Joy can be found when you understand that you are not complete yet and there is still a journey calling
Friday, January 28, 2011
Oddity
In college, a roommate called me Sally when I got hyper – she is my crazy second half – almost like another being. She hikes up her pants, walks kinda funny, and always wants ice cream. Her dancing skills are pretty awesome as well, but they would never land her on “So You Think You Can Dance” and if anything they would be considered the “William Hungs” of the dancing world.
Then there is fat girl. Fat girl…well she just loves food – mostly chocolate. She finally surfaced when one day pumpkin bread was out of this world and she had to declare it with a mouth full. This doesn’t discredit that she had always been there before…you can find that evidence in fat girl’s description on her friend’s wedding program. That’s right – FG is the friend that shares in your common love of food and that is what makes your friendship special. I will never let Becca forget how she exposed fat girl in such a public light. It has taken her a while to recover.
Also, I may lean towards compulsive organization. For instance, my closet is arranged in a color-coating manner. It doesn’t have to be exact shades in order, but it sure does follow closely. Or maybe the fact that I rearranged all the plates and glasses in my kitchen cabinets because it made better sense “that” way…does that even make sense?
I know I’m weird at times.
I become really sarcastic when I first meet guys…my nervous syndrome…but maybe they would never know and only think that I was a little who-knows-what
I am protective of my baking creations – I have a hard time letting you come near them and helping me. Please just let me ice the cookies because I’ll make them look really cute and you won’t. Ouch, I’m mean.
I really like to sing, but I will never sing in front of you unless I feel like I’m being drowned out by other people or instruments.
I am pretty (very) emotional, but I’ve been told I’m come across as laid back.
I organize how I pack my stuff – my sister will tell you it’s unreal and to stay away from me during this time.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I’m weird, but because I think all of this isn’t that odd to begin with. Fingers crossed.
Then there is fat girl. Fat girl…well she just loves food – mostly chocolate. She finally surfaced when one day pumpkin bread was out of this world and she had to declare it with a mouth full. This doesn’t discredit that she had always been there before…you can find that evidence in fat girl’s description on her friend’s wedding program. That’s right – FG is the friend that shares in your common love of food and that is what makes your friendship special. I will never let Becca forget how she exposed fat girl in such a public light. It has taken her a while to recover.
Also, I may lean towards compulsive organization. For instance, my closet is arranged in a color-coating manner. It doesn’t have to be exact shades in order, but it sure does follow closely. Or maybe the fact that I rearranged all the plates and glasses in my kitchen cabinets because it made better sense “that” way…does that even make sense?
I know I’m weird at times.
I become really sarcastic when I first meet guys…my nervous syndrome…but maybe they would never know and only think that I was a little who-knows-what
I am protective of my baking creations – I have a hard time letting you come near them and helping me. Please just let me ice the cookies because I’ll make them look really cute and you won’t. Ouch, I’m mean.
I really like to sing, but I will never sing in front of you unless I feel like I’m being drowned out by other people or instruments.
I am pretty (very) emotional, but I’ve been told I’m come across as laid back.
I organize how I pack my stuff – my sister will tell you it’s unreal and to stay away from me during this time.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I’m weird, but because I think all of this isn’t that odd to begin with. Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Big Girl Pants
In college, there are always the lofty dreams of graduating, meeting Mr. Right and getting married, finding your perfect job, and being able to afford the cute downtown apartment (or any apartment for that matter) or first home for those really lofty newlyweds or singles. Oh and then all the extra amenities you can think of (i.e. fun work clothes from your favorite store; being able to eat out and entertain yourself all the time; buying fun new furniture, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera). You play by the book and you get what comes next. EEEEEERRRRRRRRR (hault). My journey has maybe followed one of those things: Graduating.
Well it has been 2 ½ years since the fact and I am just now putting on my big girl pants (somewhat) and moving out of the rents house and into an apartment. I know…probably not attractive to some that it took me this long, but better at age 25 than at age 26. ;-) There is still hope for this girl – I’m 5 years ahead of those 30-and-still-living-with-my-parents people. Just ignore the fact that I’ve been mooching off of my parents and am realizing I need to buy things like tweezers, a loufa, cleaning supplies, oh, and food.
At least I pay my bills, right?! That is something to be proud of. Now, if only I would learn to do my taxes or how to change my oil. Can dad still be the oil man? I called Ameren and had them set up electricity. That was easier than I thought. Yesterday, I went to Target with my list of random supplies I needed like body wash and conditioner, paper towels, cleaning supplies, and laundry detergent. You ever heard of those things? Am I supposed to have a favorite brand? There are too many choices, so I let the coupons I had dictate what I bought. Swipe 10 times, cashier…You say wish you could be as good with coupons as I am? Oh don’t worry…I got them from my mom. Thanks, mom…you saved me $10 at Target. I’m fumbling with the heat too to make sure I get the cheapest bill…so far the apartment is set on a cool 66 degrees, and I’m finding that I don’t wake up to frostbitten hands and toes in the morning. Plus, at work there are free tampons in those machines, which I could totally snag if money gets really tight one month. As far as my time in my new place…well I don’t have any couches, or internet and cable set up yet so I’m learning how to read like they did in the olden days by candle light because my apartment doesn’t have great lighting and I only have two lamps.
As far as groceries…well…I’m still working on getting that done and until then I either eat very little or offer to help a friend put together her wedding invitations while her parents buy pizza for everyone who is helping. Thanks, engaged friends!
So on a scale of 1-10, I think I’m surviving on my own with a solid 10.
Well it has been 2 ½ years since the fact and I am just now putting on my big girl pants (somewhat) and moving out of the rents house and into an apartment. I know…probably not attractive to some that it took me this long, but better at age 25 than at age 26. ;-) There is still hope for this girl – I’m 5 years ahead of those 30-and-still-living-with-my-parents people. Just ignore the fact that I’ve been mooching off of my parents and am realizing I need to buy things like tweezers, a loufa, cleaning supplies, oh, and food.
At least I pay my bills, right?! That is something to be proud of. Now, if only I would learn to do my taxes or how to change my oil. Can dad still be the oil man? I called Ameren and had them set up electricity. That was easier than I thought. Yesterday, I went to Target with my list of random supplies I needed like body wash and conditioner, paper towels, cleaning supplies, and laundry detergent. You ever heard of those things? Am I supposed to have a favorite brand? There are too many choices, so I let the coupons I had dictate what I bought. Swipe 10 times, cashier…You say wish you could be as good with coupons as I am? Oh don’t worry…I got them from my mom. Thanks, mom…you saved me $10 at Target. I’m fumbling with the heat too to make sure I get the cheapest bill…so far the apartment is set on a cool 66 degrees, and I’m finding that I don’t wake up to frostbitten hands and toes in the morning. Plus, at work there are free tampons in those machines, which I could totally snag if money gets really tight one month. As far as my time in my new place…well I don’t have any couches, or internet and cable set up yet so I’m learning how to read like they did in the olden days by candle light because my apartment doesn’t have great lighting and I only have two lamps.
As far as groceries…well…I’m still working on getting that done and until then I either eat very little or offer to help a friend put together her wedding invitations while her parents buy pizza for everyone who is helping. Thanks, engaged friends!
So on a scale of 1-10, I think I’m surviving on my own with a solid 10.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Firework
There is a reason I like this song. As a Christian, I guess sometimes we think that a secular song shouldn't or can't really remind us of God or give us a bigger glimpse of who He is. We are so easy to point out everything that is wrong with the lyrics or the life of the singer rather than enjoy and see beauty in a work. We are all made in God's image, so I'm not surprised that things that our secular world creates would point me to my Savior. I'm not going to say that these lyrics are a perfect reflection of what God says to us, but it gave me a refreshing picture of the Lord.
I just imagine God singing this song to me. He knows my thoughts, knows my fears and discouragements, but wants to open my eyes to what He can do through me. He wants me to be a light - to show the world the ways that He has colored me as a unique being. We may face challenges in life, wonder why doors close, and feel down about ourselves, but He fights to let you know that you are His treasured possession and has a purpose for you to reveal His glory in the most magnificent ways - maybe like a firework in the night's sky.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
Monday, January 17, 2011
Extreme on Love
As I sat in church on Sunday, excited to learn and know more about the character of God, my pastor briefly paused to remind us of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and prayed that we would be reminded of his message. I’m sure many are sitting at home today relaxing or perhaps using this day off of work to get important or not-so-important things accomplished, or if you are like me, you have to work today. In the midst of all of this, I have to stop for a moment and reflect back on Mr. King, Jr. Honestly, I don’t think I ever take this holiday as a time to reflect on what it is for, but today while eating my lunch, I decided to hop online and read “Letter from a Birmingham Jail” by Mr. King.
I’ve read it before. I remember the first time I did. I was in high school and thought it was better than his “I Have a Dream” speech. He challenges all people in his letter – even the church, which is really what brings me to write today.
He was, as King stated, a “creative extremist.” Jesus loved those who were treated as outcasts, those who were misunderstood, people who were rejected for their looks – what disease they had or “may have had.” He challenged the Pharisees, the righteous, who thought they knew everything, and he loved the innocent children who could be so easily misled. He loved the average, ordinary, poor, wicked, whore, sick, lame, adulterer, murderer, back-stabber. No one was safe from His love. And that remains true even now. Luther questioned if that love drove the church, or if conformity and laxity perverse it.
The church is the body of Christ – the ones who are to be most representative of who Jesus Christ is, yet I have a feeling the church sits comfortably in the walls of religion and is not brave to go out and live in tension. Either that or we are too righteous, judgmental, and let our focus on our commitment to God get in the way of loving those who need it most and need the presence of God behind their fight.
I do no exclude myself from questioning if I live in the tension of “be in the world, but not of the world.” It is a very hard balance, but I wonder how much more of God I will know and understand when I begin to step out of my comfortable walls of religion and begin living out love.
I’ve read it before. I remember the first time I did. I was in high school and thought it was better than his “I Have a Dream” speech. He challenges all people in his letter – even the church, which is really what brings me to write today.
He was, as King stated, a “creative extremist.” Jesus loved those who were treated as outcasts, those who were misunderstood, people who were rejected for their looks – what disease they had or “may have had.” He challenged the Pharisees, the righteous, who thought they knew everything, and he loved the innocent children who could be so easily misled. He loved the average, ordinary, poor, wicked, whore, sick, lame, adulterer, murderer, back-stabber. No one was safe from His love. And that remains true even now. Luther questioned if that love drove the church, or if conformity and laxity perverse it.
The church is the body of Christ – the ones who are to be most representative of who Jesus Christ is, yet I have a feeling the church sits comfortably in the walls of religion and is not brave to go out and live in tension. Either that or we are too righteous, judgmental, and let our focus on our commitment to God get in the way of loving those who need it most and need the presence of God behind their fight.
I do no exclude myself from questioning if I live in the tension of “be in the world, but not of the world.” It is a very hard balance, but I wonder how much more of God I will know and understand when I begin to step out of my comfortable walls of religion and begin living out love.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
25 Reasons
It was a monumental birthday - I can rent cars and my insurance goes down. I may just take a road trip for the sole fact of being able to rent a car. Or not. Either way, I'm no longer the odd post-college graduate, 24 year old who is just floating in the "almost-mid-twenties-still-feel-viewed-as-a-college-21-yr-old." I am officially a big girl, with big girl high heels - society would probably dub me as the "career-oriented, single woman." The only thing is they don't know that I am just now moving out from my parent's house at the end of the month, can't really afford to dress in the J.Crew business suits, or that I still sleep with my blankie. Wait.
Okay so I don't really sleep with a blankie, but I find it mentally challenging to think that I am officially in my mid-twenties. I'm not the "career-oriented, single woman" that society defines me as being, but I'm definitely ready for whatever is ahead whether that is a successful career or becoming a clown as a full-time job. I may not understand what this time should look like or where I should necessarily "be," but I'm pretty certain the Lord has me right where He wants me, and at this point...I'm hoping that I'm just as willing and obedient to go where He wants to take me
Edit: I was going to make a list of 25 Reason To Stay with Him (meaning stay and follow Jesus), but I shouldn't need reasons to stay with Him because he is faithful and good to me time and time again...so I've reversed it...because what better way to understand how he stays with me than by listing what He has done for this sinful and selfish girl.
25 Reasons the Lord Sticks Around:
1. His loves me like I love chocolate (it is an unfathomable amount)
2. He is good all the time
3. He personally created me with a purpose
4. He desires to give me more of Himself
5. He reveals His joy in the morning even when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed
6. He is a lot stronger than me, but straightens my feeble knees all the same
7. He gives and trusts me with more than what I really deserve
8. He gently redirects me with grace
9. He disciplines me with love
10. He hears my "but why!?" and still fights to hear me say "Your will"
11. He forgives me when repent of my rejection of Him
12. He knows me better than I know myself
13. He desires to communicate with me even though I often dominate the conversation
14. He likes to have fun and loves seeing me smile
15. He likes to hear me sing to Him in my car - I'm pretty sure he might be singing right along with me
16. He knows how to give me advice and wisdom when I'm directionally challenged
17. He helps me see the good in people
18. He pushes me to get beyond weaknesses
19. He allows me to lean on Him and never complains or tires from it
20. He knows all the hairs on my head and when you know how many hairs someone has on their head...you probably have had quite a few intimate times together.
21. He gave me the greatest gift and wants to see my reaction to it
22. He does some pretty cool things with nature and He knows that sparks my creative side
23. He knows I love my Sunday nap so he made sure to tell us to rest 1 day of the week
24. He mends the broken spots and knows the type of gorilla glue solution that will makes them better and stronger
25. He has never let go
Okay so I don't really sleep with a blankie, but I find it mentally challenging to think that I am officially in my mid-twenties. I'm not the "career-oriented, single woman" that society defines me as being, but I'm definitely ready for whatever is ahead whether that is a successful career or becoming a clown as a full-time job. I may not understand what this time should look like or where I should necessarily "be," but I'm pretty certain the Lord has me right where He wants me, and at this point...I'm hoping that I'm just as willing and obedient to go where He wants to take me
Edit: I was going to make a list of 25 Reason To Stay with Him (meaning stay and follow Jesus), but I shouldn't need reasons to stay with Him because he is faithful and good to me time and time again...so I've reversed it...because what better way to understand how he stays with me than by listing what He has done for this sinful and selfish girl.
25 Reasons the Lord Sticks Around:
1. His loves me like I love chocolate (it is an unfathomable amount)
2. He is good all the time
3. He personally created me with a purpose
4. He desires to give me more of Himself
5. He reveals His joy in the morning even when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed
6. He is a lot stronger than me, but straightens my feeble knees all the same
7. He gives and trusts me with more than what I really deserve
8. He gently redirects me with grace
9. He disciplines me with love
10. He hears my "but why!?" and still fights to hear me say "Your will"
11. He forgives me when repent of my rejection of Him
12. He knows me better than I know myself
13. He desires to communicate with me even though I often dominate the conversation
14. He likes to have fun and loves seeing me smile
15. He likes to hear me sing to Him in my car - I'm pretty sure he might be singing right along with me
16. He knows how to give me advice and wisdom when I'm directionally challenged
17. He helps me see the good in people
18. He pushes me to get beyond weaknesses
19. He allows me to lean on Him and never complains or tires from it
20. He knows all the hairs on my head and when you know how many hairs someone has on their head...you probably have had quite a few intimate times together.
21. He gave me the greatest gift and wants to see my reaction to it
22. He does some pretty cool things with nature and He knows that sparks my creative side
23. He knows I love my Sunday nap so he made sure to tell us to rest 1 day of the week
24. He mends the broken spots and knows the type of gorilla glue solution that will makes them better and stronger
25. He has never let go
Sunday, January 2, 2011
First Loved Us
“There can be no reconciliation where there is no open warfare. There must be a battle, a brave boisterous battle, with pennants waving and cannon roaring, before there can be peaceful treaties and enthusiastic shaking of hands.”
- Mary Elizabeth Braddon, British writer
Often times, we are in need of reconciliation. Something was said that shouldn’t have been, pride and arrogance trumped gentleness and grace, selfishness creeps in, a bad decision is made, an honest mistake ends up hurting the one that is loved most – whatever it is, I’m sure you get my point. The wrongs that have occurred sting and usually the relationship is altered in some way whether great or small. Usually, after moments like these, we want reconciliation – to have restoration and compatibility with that person again. For me, I’m the type that likes to talk about it as soon as I can and move forward – for others, they need time to think things through, but no matter which side you are on, it takes a lot of effort to be fully reconciled. People become hurt, innocence is lost, walls are put up and it isn’t easy to let go of the pain or of the disgrace one may feel. Like the quote above, reconciliation means going to battle. You have to face pain, suffering, disgrace, and hurt. You have to be brave to “go there” and lay it all on the table – and you have to be selfless about it because let’s face it – we all have to ask for forgiveness for wrongs we’ve committed. Reconciliation is a process and for a lot of people, it feels like a battle that almost seems impossible to win. If I have any encouragement in those times where reconciliation seems like a lost cause, it is from the One who never gave up on me. I may sound cheesy and that’s fine – at this point, I know what I believe and it is who I am. I’m not perfect in anyway. My selfishness creeps in all the time. I like having control over my life, and I like doing things my way. God had every right to reject me because time and time again I let go of Him when He never let go of me; instead, He gave me the greatest gift of love and reconciliation: His son. If ever I think reconciliation is impossible, I think I need to remember who first reconciled me.
- Mary Elizabeth Braddon, British writer
Often times, we are in need of reconciliation. Something was said that shouldn’t have been, pride and arrogance trumped gentleness and grace, selfishness creeps in, a bad decision is made, an honest mistake ends up hurting the one that is loved most – whatever it is, I’m sure you get my point. The wrongs that have occurred sting and usually the relationship is altered in some way whether great or small. Usually, after moments like these, we want reconciliation – to have restoration and compatibility with that person again. For me, I’m the type that likes to talk about it as soon as I can and move forward – for others, they need time to think things through, but no matter which side you are on, it takes a lot of effort to be fully reconciled. People become hurt, innocence is lost, walls are put up and it isn’t easy to let go of the pain or of the disgrace one may feel. Like the quote above, reconciliation means going to battle. You have to face pain, suffering, disgrace, and hurt. You have to be brave to “go there” and lay it all on the table – and you have to be selfless about it because let’s face it – we all have to ask for forgiveness for wrongs we’ve committed. Reconciliation is a process and for a lot of people, it feels like a battle that almost seems impossible to win. If I have any encouragement in those times where reconciliation seems like a lost cause, it is from the One who never gave up on me. I may sound cheesy and that’s fine – at this point, I know what I believe and it is who I am. I’m not perfect in anyway. My selfishness creeps in all the time. I like having control over my life, and I like doing things my way. God had every right to reject me because time and time again I let go of Him when He never let go of me; instead, He gave me the greatest gift of love and reconciliation: His son. If ever I think reconciliation is impossible, I think I need to remember who first reconciled me.
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