Pause

It is easy to not be thankful. It is easy to find reason to be upset about something that is wrong in our life – easy to be mad or bitter or find something that isn’t fair for us - easy to feel selfish and be needy. Sadly, it is hours before the turkey meets its fate in the oven, and I am here at work – the only soul on my hallway, and I’m finding reason to get upset about it and move that attitude into the rest of my life and start longing for things and feeling alone.

But I’m sitting here and I’m forced to stop.

You see, I’m here…working. I have a job and even though I have a degree and could be making more money somewhere than this temporary holding, it is a job that provides and allows me to pay bills. And I look around at my desk and see the spoon that I used to eat my yogurt this morning and I’m thankful that I can eat breakfast at work because I was running late from sleeping in my bed for too long. I have my phone in sight – reminding me I have friends and loved ones that call me and I can call them. They are there to encourage me and be there for me and I for them. And when I go home today, I’ll be met by my loving family who accepts the fact that I don’t have the best taste in music, can be too sensitive at times, and crabby when I’m tired, yet they love me unconditionally and will always bring joy and love to my life no matter how little I express that to them. I look at what I’m wearing - my bargain military green coat from Forever 21 – did I really need the coat? No. Is it cute and that is why I bought it? Yes. I’m thankful for it though because it is warm, and this selfish purchase reminds me that I have more than enough and that my Savior provides and blesses me beyond measure. And those moments where I am selfish or unhappy with life circumstances….I can look at them and know there is a greater God who is not limited by my shortcomings. He is molding me into who He has called me to be despite the fact that I have rejected Him time and time again. I’m thankful because the Lord is my Provider, Comforter, Healer, Father, Redeemer, Protector, my Everything, and I am blessed and forever thankful to be called his child.

Psalm 30:12
That my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Season of Discovery

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/22864-what-to-know-when-youre-25ish

I've come to realize that at a stage where you think you should have your life all figured out that maybe you are just supposed to discover who you are a bit more. It seems that as you go through college you are meant to find yourself there - find your religion, your dream job, your hobbies and friends and maybe even a spouse (for some...that may be higher on the list). For me, college was that first little leap away from curfews, my parents, and naivety. It was a good learning experience but I think I went in with some unrealistic expectations. Here I am, 25 (ish) years and in an incredibly different season, which seems to be more challenging than the lax schedule and difficulties of college (I was so blinded then).

Honestly the post-college life has been one big challenge. In one minute things can drastically shift and turn your world around or put a twist on all agendas you thought were seemingly solidified. It has been a time of organization and re-organization. A time of settling to a time of researching. A time of being found to feeling lost. Feeling wanted and being rejected. Needing space to sensing freedom. All vise-verse at times. Stark contrasts. Yet, feeling like you are in the grey more often than not.

I can't say I have answers. I can't say I even know where I'm headed or what I am to be doing. I'm in grey, but there is this thing tugging at my heart: it is okay to be here and it can be the biggest joy if I allow it to be. I won't say I'll always feel that way towards this season, but maybe if I have a joyful attitude, I'll be able to learn and grow and maybe find more of who I am and who I am created to be in this world. I think the biggest encouragement in this time is really believing I'm in the image of God. Some of His attributes are innately in me, which means He has a use for that - a reason for me. I just don't want to miss that, and my prayer is that I follow His journey for my life. I hope I can remember that.

P.S. Self Discovery: I love vintage and color, thus, I love the picture of the luggage.

PeaNUTS

Lucy is teaching me some lessons:

• Be confident in yourself because you are valued and loved by someone. You may just miss it otherwise.
• It is better to build a person up than to tear them down. Clearly both parties are hurt in the end.
• Don't sweat the small stuff and make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be
• Yes, lost love can torture your mind and heart at times
• Communication is key
• Sometimes we need to hear truth, admit our faults, and grow

On Knees

Doing hard things is…..hard.

You have to be bold, be humble, be real about where you are in life. You have to look at where you are standing and evaluate it. Pick it up and see the imperfections and what needs to grow – what needs to be different – what needs pruning – what needs more water. Unfortunately, the mirror of yourself is not always what you want to see and it isn’t how you want to be. You know you are capable of so much more.

There is the reality you have to face about yourself. You finally have to deal with your imperfection and it is so hard to do because that is at the heart of you…those are the parts that we want to ignore but at the same time overcome.

I’m a very weak person at parts of my core. I don’t want to feel alone or unloved. I rely on others to make me happy far too often. I never want to be viewed as a weak person, unconfident, or a screw-up. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not unique or special. I want to have it all together and be perfect. I like to avoid those parts of me because it is painful – it isn’t who I want to be, and I want so much more for myself. The reality is that we have to do hard things to strengthen weaknesses – to change habits – to become a renewed being – and believe that we are treasured possessions. Pruning takes time, takes painful clipping, takes back breaking work, takes humility, and sometimes means forcing ourselves to do the thing we don’t want to do at all: surrender.

You see, we will never get anywhere in our lives if we don’t learn to surrender to Jesus Christ. How many times do we think all the work is on us and try to do it our own way. We play God, thinking we can do it on our own. How many times do we rely on others – letting them be God for us. And how many times do we fail to realize that God has done it all for us and we need to just surrender. I’m just thinking of the time Jesus was in the garden before his death. He asked God if there was any other way that He would take the burden from him. Knowing me, I would have just tried every other way. Jesus prayed, cried out, but surrendered. There was no other way – and Jesus had to endure the “hard.” And he did (and if you read it wasn’t easy and there was PAIN). Ultimately, what came from Jesus’ pain and surrendering was the most beautiful event in all the world – pure love and healing.

Doing hard things is hard – it is a dying to yourself and a surrendering to the will of the Lord. It hurts beyond imagination and you feel like you are dying at times – like you can’t handle much more – one more piece of straw and you’ll break. But the result of surrender will be pure love and pure healing and pure blessing. It is hard to believe this could happen for yourself (for me), but the Word has already been fulfilled, so why wouldn’t it now?

Toilet Paper

The moment. The moment you realize something is wrong. Those stares from other people are just an indication that you aren't getting something right. You feel a little exposed but wonder if you are just blowing things out of proportion. You look around at others - trying to read the shift in their body language. What are they trying to tell you? And then it catches your eye. I'm that person...the one with toilet paper stuck to my shoe....or food in your front teeth....or your fly is down....

You ever feel you don't get it right? You ever feel like you need to get it right all the time - to be that perfect person? So often I think we try to look put-together in front of those we love (and those we think we want to love us). We don't necessarily get down to the nitty-gritty gross parts of our lives because we are afraid. Afraid of what? Rejection. Losing our worth. Giving into unknowns. Being exposed. Embarrassed.

I'm so often reminded that I'm not perfect, and for someone like me who likes to know how things are going to play out or to have a "backup plan," I find myself on my knees when things don't go the way I thought. Ultimately, my weaknesses are out in the open for people to harp on or for me to harp on myself.

Here is a hymn I love...and what I love most is the first verse because it constantly keeps me in perspective of my where I stand in life - that my life is not my own, my strength is weak, and I have a Savior that wants to take control and show me His power and love for me, and all he asks is for me to be faithful and watch. We don't always get it right and sometimes we have toilet paper stuck to our shoes. Luckily, there is always a chance for it to be removed.

Jesus Paid it All
(Listen here)

I hear the Savior say
Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness watch and pray
Find in me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and thine alone
Can change the lepers spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

It's washed away! All my sin! And all my shame!

And when before the throne
I stand in him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead (x6)

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow