It's Poppin'

So here we go. This past week has been a sort of emotional roller coaster. One moment you are up, the next you are down, but really the whole time you just feel...in LIMBO. Come ladies and gents: grab the stick and lets see how low we can go! You are just surviving minute by minute, hour by hour, and who knows when you are going to fall because it is just too much to keep your center of gravity. You know - there are no great "ups" in this world of "limbo," but you are no longer sobbing every.single.night...now it is just 6 of the 7 nights.

I've decided that there needs to be some sort of guide in times of limbo so here is my attempt to make these moments of unbearable agony, defeat, and rejection turn to just agony, defeat, and rejection.

The Ultimate Girls Guide to Finding a Half-Smile in Times of Despair:

1. Grab the Kleenex with Lotion: There is one good thing about all that crying - finding the most comforting Kleenex. Bypass the toilet paper and paper towel - girl, your eyes are going to be puffy and red so you might as well spare the rest of your face from getting all dry and cut from the excessive amounts of tears and rubbing. Pay that 80 cents extra for the Kleenex with lotion. Trust me. The soft fibers are really soft and that "lotion" makes crying a little less painful.

2. Retail Therapy: Now I will admit I'm cheap. You may think that when I say "retail therapy" I mean going all out and spending $$$ on clothes and shoes and all things that break the bank. Well this is what I have spent my money on: Lipgloss. In moments like these, you feel - what's the word - undesirable. You aren't undesirable - you are beautiful and still smokin' hot - but every girl will not feel pretty when a guy decides you aren't for him. Maybe it is that whole "fear of rejection" thing for me, but I had to do something to make myself feel pretty. My remedy was buying this lipgloss. Yes, intense color, I know - totally a purchase I would avoid any other time, but I need something new and fresh and different. Oddly, it kinda follows this mantra. Why do songs like this make it into existence? That's another subject for another time...Bottom line: you still have the great parts of you - so get one little thing that reminds you of that.

3. Babysitters Club and Hardy Boys: The famously blunt romanticist Jane Austen once wrote, "Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love." Boy, was she right! When you are finding yourself back to square one in the world of love (or whatever trouble for that matter!), you need your friends! Talk about my abuse of friendship lately. I'll pretty much do anything with my friends if they will let me interfere with their lives. Just last night I had dinner with my friend and her husband, who really haven't had one calm night in a long while. Of course I gave them a chance to reject me, but friends don't, and that is beautiful. I've had coffee nights, dinner nights, a beer pong night (I have never played before and was actually pretty good - I guess it is from all those years of avoiding it in college. So, because of my excellent beer-pong abilities - add that to my resume - I didn't get tipsy - but then again, if you know me, I a goodie-two-shoes and run away from these things). Anyways, you get the point. Stay close to the people who love you most, even if it is enjoying something you would never see yourself doing. Friends can't heal you or make anything truly better, but it is nice to know that you don't have to sit at home alone and stare at the phone or e-mail more than you have already.

4. Jesus (and Beth Moore): Currently I am in the early middle (does that even make sense?) of a Beth Moore Bible study called Breaking Free. If there is nothing more timely than this little gem and the Bible, well, I would be stuck in complete misery for a long time. You know God is the only thing that can get you free from whatever it is holding you back. However, I've come to realize that there is always one area of our life where we will be in limbo. You know why? Because God wants you to look to Him and seek Him out. I love the Word of God because it is the only thing that I can find to be true. Yes, it is quite difficult to believe and live out at times because it seems like you are the one person who can't possibly do such a thing, but God's promises are real, and I can't wait to see what He is doing. You better believe I'm struggling to understand why God has me going through what I'm in right now. He may not show me all the reasons why, but He does promise that He makes all things good for those who love Him and obey Him. As Beth Moore writes, "Trusting God's sovereignty means trusting that if He has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use mightily if the child will let Him." I'm still crying, there is still pain, but I know the Lord will use me and you for His will.

So, I have my Kleenex infused with lotion, my lipgloss, friends, and Jesus with encouragement from Beth Moore. Maybe my list is just a list that you need in every moment of your life - whether good or bad!

Black Sheep

In a world where elaborate and over-the-top weddings are all the rage, television shows like "Platinum Weddings," "Say Yes To The Dress," and "My Fair Wedding" have top ratings, blogs like oncewed.com, stylemepretty.com, and 100layercake.com/blog show you how to DIY your wedding because you can't afford the platinum one, magazines such as Martha Stewart Weddings grab your attention with dreamy images of wedding gowns you can't afford, chick flicks like 27 Dresses fantasize and exaggerate hope for the bridesmaids that sing "Bennie and the Jets" on bar tops, and lets not forget those romance novels, dating books, marriage books - all things "I DO" related books - that shove "real life" dating/marriage/romance tips down your throat, (breathe) it is hard to be a SINGLE woman!



I'm not going to lie to you: I don't want to be single. It took me 23 years to actually experience my first relationship. Until that moment, I had to swallow a pill every time another girlfriend started the dating process and left me in the dust. I would hear the "boom boom boom...(insert Queen vocals) Another one bites the dust...boom boom boom." Then, those fanciful girl nights when we would go through the emotional saga of "is he the one?" played with my feeble innocence - I was living through these girls. I had so much hope then and could still picture a dreamy, romantic guy just wisping me off my feet. High School graduation approached with me still single. While listening to girls talk about their excitement of the future with their hearts okay because they have a boyfriend, there is nothing more encouraging when they told me, "You'll have guys flock at you in college. Trust me." So much for college. All I ended up with was living with 7 other girls who were all at one point engaged (4 of the 7!!!) or in a relationship. Engagement rings with carats too many to count swayed back and fourth throughout those halls and boyfriends doing cute, romantic things for the other 2 were forcing me to my room gagging, or pouting, or whatever. Of course, with engagement rings comes engagement parties, bridal showers, bridesmaid dress fittings, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, wedding day, wedding send-off, bliss...



Well, today I find myself single. Great. So thrilled to start from...start from where? I don't know how to do this! Really? I have to do this again? Last time I at least had friends that I felt I could catch up to or follow in step with as their relationship stati progressed, but I have to do this "single" thing when they are all, all...married!?!



The only way I know how to do this is just to survive. That has been my keyword for the past few days: survive. So, my very first method to surviving was baking. I had to promise myself I wouldn't eat my feelings as I re-enter this stage of single-hood, so of course, I baked cookies. I did pretty well meaning I indulged a little, but I kept it in check so that I didn't feel the weight of flour and sugar and chocolate in my stomach and extend to my butt and thighs. I'm sure there will be a lot of interesting emotions I'll face along this journey I have entered in my mid-twenties. Don't tell me I'm still young and have plenty of time. I know that, but seriously...are you married? Then I really don't want to hear it. Trust me...I'm keeping my head on straight and seeking Jesus. I really am that kind of girl, but this will be my vent outlet and just let you in on the things I find to be humorous or interesting about finding your way through a break-up into....well, we don't know where I'll end up...so into something. Of course, throughout this bloggity, I'm sure you'll get my serious side too. Just look below and there you'll find a little already!



So...here we start the journey of the black sheep: ME!

ABLE

So...

Distractions are my friend right now. I pretty much am filling up my time with about anything I can think of. For instance, in the past few days I have gone antiquing, baked some cookies, went to bible study, survived work, had a friendship lunch date, washed my car, ran 2 miles, had a friendship date at Kaldis (coffee shop), ran 3 miles, took picture of random things and I plan to have a girls night tonight, clean and run tomorrow, have a night out on Friday, and get a pedicure with my mom and sister on Saturday. Yet, in the midst of all of this, I still have to process and think and muddle through...life.

There are just so many things that come...even just simply cleaning out my purse, because it is feeling way to heavy to be a purse, brought a tinge of pain (and when I mean tinge, I don't mean tinge at all). Unexpected moments just come and blindside you. The only thing I know is that prayer with God is everything. I talk to Him, and I am bluntly honest. I love that I can talk to God and tell Him everything I am saying and He listens. He gives me that moment to be mad and upset or completely hysterical or just blah.

You wouldn't think there would be joy, but there is. You wouldn't think there would be hope, but you experience it in ways you wouldn't think. And, when you find yourself down, it is amazing that you can pray for other people in your life. I don't think I've had more hope for individuals in my life who also find themselves in mire than I did last night. But I know God has them and me, and we will be set free because HE IS ABLE.

Just Call

It's heavy....beware



Heartbreak sucks. The first night of sleep is no sleep at all. The one night you don't want to think about how bad it hurts, even your dream is filled with memories or people that make it feel like you never went to bed. The next day you cry at the littlest things, and every minute you try to find a way to not think or hurt or run into a memory, but you do. They find you at every corner. You have about 20 different emotions: saddness, anger, bitterness, hope, hurt, exhaustion, pain, doubt, envy, loneliness, discouragment, laughter, cautious, embarassed, reflective, remorseful, mournful, longing, madness, craziness...it goes on and on and on. You'll find yourself with emotions you never even knew existed. There is a pang in the pit of your stomach. It hurts. Your eyes are so tired and puffy, yet you are wide awake thinking....exhausting ever little thought. You try to search for hope...to hold on, but there is nothing to hold onto. It is gone. It's gone. And I'm left in tears.

I have to remind myself of some things. God is able. There is a passage in Matthew 9 (I believe) where a man says to the Lord. "I believe. Help my unbelief." This guy is in this moment where he wants to so badly believe that the Lord is able, yet he is so true to the fact that he faces unbelief in his heart. I believe in God. I believe He is the only thing in my life right now that is keeping me breathing, but I am in the same breath experiencing unbelief. Unbelief that I can be okay. Unbelief that He has it all together and taking me somewhere beyond-my-comprehension good! Unbelief that I will find the Lord and be okay with just that. I want all of these things so badly. I want to be okay with not knowing where the Lord is taking me. I want to be okay with Jesus. But my unbelief is weighty. I have desires that the Lord has taken away, and I'm not sure how to handle those. I'm not sure how to be or deal or let be. Letting go is so hard when you've held on for so long. When you have loved for so long. So I must repeat over and over...Lord, help my unbelief. Lord, I know You are able.

The pain inside has erased your hope for love.
But soon you will find
that I'll give you more than your heart could ever want
and so much more.

Call My Name, say it now.
I want you to never doubt.
The love I have for you is so alive.

Ramblings of a shoe-aholic

I'm am pretty sure shoes will be the death of me. They are my weakness. Whenever I am having a bad shopping day because I needed to find a new pair of jeans, but as I struggle in the fitting room finding myself hating my God-given hips as every pair of jeans are tossed to the side because no one makes jeans to fit "just right" on my baby-bearing pelvic/hip bones, I resolve my frustration by heading to the shoe department. I may not buy anything, but just trying on shoes somehow makes me less frustrated.



So, it was funny when I came across this webpage through Facebook. A little stalker-ish how I found it, but the lengths I'll go for shoes is funny. Although I'm pretty cheap so buying any shoe that is not on sale is like the one time that you buy funnel cake at the fair. Really. I don't think I've ever bought a funnel cake. Ever.




But these I love. I would think I could be daring and wear these out and about. I might just be too self-conscious though. I would like to think otherwise. I would find an occasion for these.


There is nothing better than shoes. They will always be my fashion accessory of choice!