Love-Hate Relationship

Do you every have those moments in your life where you read or hear something that is completely what you need to read or hear at that specific moment in your life? I have more than once, and to be honest, I have a love-hate relationship with these moments.

I hate these moments, because often the advice, or encouragement, or challenge -- or whatever it is -- is not what you want to hear. I hate these moments, because if you truly take it in, you know you need to start doing something differently. I hate these moments, because sometimes it feels impossible to accept change and be changed, and you want a different outcome than what is sitting in your lap. I hate these moments because I would rather go to sleep and just not think at all. I hate these moments because I know that what is said to me is truth, and I realize that there are ways that I have fallen. I hate these moments because I understand I need other people in my life and can't do things on my own. I hate these moments because it is hard to give up control and trust the Lord and trust that He uses all things for good.

Yet here comes the love. I love these moments because I realize that God is good, and I am safe putting my trust in Him and releasing control. I love these moments because I fully experience the support and love of friends and family that the Lord has blessed me with. I love these moments, because truth refines me and makes me realize it is okay to fall, as long as you grow and learn and keep trying to be better. I love these moments because they show me that I am stronger than I think I am - I won't go to sleep today to get rid of the pain, but I'll reluctantly face it, and struggle through it, and come out alive. I love these moments because anything is possible with the Lord, and He is doing something in my life that will lead to more wonderful things that I will love having in my lap. I love these moments because I am changing and growing. It hurts so badly, but something is being made better within me. I love these moments, because the advice, encouragement, and challenge is what I need to grow in my faith and dependence on God.

I'm not a perfect person and never will be. I can write these things, but believing them fully will still be hard to do. Today (and tomorrow and a year from now) I will probably have to read this post again to be reminded of why these times of "blah" in our life are worth it.

Today I had to pray a very hard prayer. One I didn't want to pray at all. One I cried through, and maybe don't fully stand behind. But I was encouraged and challenged to do it, and I did. My faith is being tested. My trust is barely there. My hope is somewhere in the distance, but I only have God to lean on, and I can't let go of Him.