Greatest Love

You look back on your life and you wonder why you had to go through the stuff you did. And for a while I tried to look for answers and I asked that why question so many times. Now I'm here, and I still don't have answers to my why questions - but in an odd way I do. Because it was there that he was bringing me so much closer to him. It was there that he was building me up to be where i am now and where I'm heading in the future - even when I don't know what that exactly is. And it is the hope that I have that he will guide me through the unknowns - hope that maybe I didn't have as much of as I did then. I honestly can tell you that I've been broken in the past and I don't know if it really had to go the way it did, but it did go that way, and ultimately, I've been changed because of it. Change is good even if it comes through hard circumstances, and change is even more beautiful when I see the way he has overcome death and the sin in my life and just made himself more at the forefront of my life.

Yes, He has overcome with the greatest love.

Winged-Creature

"God became man to turn creatures into sons not simply to produce better kinds of the old creature, but to produce a new person.  It is not like teaching a horse to jump better and better.  It is more like turning a horse into a winged-creature, a whole new type of being altogether." -C.S. Lewis

I know I've missed it at times, but I don't ever want to lose sight of the ways He is bringing me to completion.  I desire for that day - when it all becomes clear - when I get to see His face and just smile and feel at home.  It's becoming more and more real - this life is not my own; this place is not my home.

A Single Girl's Honesty

25 and single.  It seems that once you hit a certain age of singularity that people start noticing and begin to feel they need to say or do something about it.  I think this usually begins a year or two after you complete college – you’re no longer on a campus where everyone is single and you can’t even go to the bathroom alone – let’s be honest, people expect you to find Mr. or Mrs. Right there.

Well now that I’m well past college and haven’t done homework in a long time, my experiences as a single person are at times frustrating, fun, and laughable – but please considering the following if ever you feel the need to address some part of my singleness:

Some tell me that they wish they were me – How fun it must be single and be able to date people. I am living vicariously through you.  Little do they know how many dates I’ve not been on.  I get it – I have freedom, I can travel the world if I could afford wanted to, I’m not tied down to a person and can be selfish with my time, money, decisions, closet space, etc.  I can do amazing work for the Lord.  I am not ungrateful for these things, and I do find them enjoyable – and you’re right, I can do things for God that maybe others wouldn’t be able to do if they weren’t single, but the grass isn’t greener.  There is difficultly being single – it isn’t always pleasant or fun and gets harder as you get older and friends are married and moving onto babies.  My relationship with God has only been strengthened during this time, and I would be single over and over again just for that, but that doesn’t mean fun all the time, and I don’t want you to live through me.

The question: Why are you still single?  Well…flattering, I guess.  But how do you expect me to respond?  Do you want me to talk about myself and list off all my good qualities?  I feel that would just give you your answer.  Honestly, when I hear that question, it makes me feel like I need to tell you why I could possible be single and give you all of my bad qualities.  And I really already think about those and wonder if they hinder my relationship status – so, my current response is to either shrug my shoulders and say nothing or say, “Good question, am I weird?”  Your guess is as good as mine.

Others want to set me up.  Good.  I like that you think I would be great with someone and it is good to be introduced to new people by a double date.   I’m totally okay with that.  BUT can you please not set me up with a guy who only talks about himself and jokes around the whole time, at the end of the night still hasn’t asked me one thing about myself - probably doesn’t even know what kind of job or how many siblings I have, or my interests – and puts in a crazy dirty/dumb movie for us all to watch to top it all off.  Thanks, but no thanks?

Some have really, honest, good intentions, but horrible follow-through.  Don’t tell me you have an AMAZING guy that you want me to meet, but then never do anything to make it happen.  I totally understand if maybe it was like the situation above (except not so crazy) and then you really thought it through and decided to not set us up, but could you at least let me know why instead of just leaving me hanging?  But I'm really thankful that you did think things through - that is progress from above situation and you have no idea how much I value that.  And if he really is a great guy who you really think I’d hit it off with and are planning on introducing us at a party or group hang-out – introduce us and help conversation before you just awkwardly ditch us and expect Cupid and “love at first site” to just magically appear (we both know what you are doing) .  Oh, but let him get my number from me (unless you ask me and I give you the a-ok) and/or Facebook me after our first meeting if he so desires, k!?  Face value, people, not this new-agey electronic social world.

Lastly, I’d hate to even say it – but learn how to be a smidge (just a tinie-weenie) independent from your significant other.  I have two friends – Friend number one is dating, but gets upset when she is not near her fiancé and mopes.  Woman, you have someone that you are going to be married to!  Be happy!  Enjoy the fact that you get to spend life with this person and a night away from them won’t ruin your life!  I get it – I’m sure I have acted that way too, but when we open our eyes to the people around us – that maybe they have a desire to someday meet Mr. Right and be where you are, it would be nice if you considered how you could serve them just for tonight.  I know…that sounds so selfish of me and I hate saying that because I don’t want your sympathy or make you feel like you need to do anything for me, but sometimes, it can be frustrating.  Second friend is married, but at the same time is able to be apart from her husband and spend time with me.  I love her husband…he is one of my best guy friends, and he is the only one who has ever asked me, “What can we do or be aware of  how to better be your friend and love you in this stage of your life.”  Wow…that is refreshing.  Can I steal your wife sometimes so she and I can hang out?  Yes….yes, he is always so respectful when I’m around.  He asks if he needs to leave the room if she and I are talking, but most of the time, I let him stay because I value his input.  Other times I am given some “girl time” and it is the best and exactly what I needed.  I was able to let them know what bothers me at times about being single or hanging around dating/married people – and they listened and understood and were responsive.  And at the same time, they are able to open up to me about marriage and how it is hard or fun or quirky – and I love it.  I love learning from them, and I think they like learning and hearing about my life too.

All this goes to say that I am not complaining about where I am at.  I love being single and I’m not just saying that.  I have been able to find joy, and you learn how to adjust and find enjoyment out of life.  Most of all, I have grown closer to God and honestly have experienced how He fulfills my life in ways I never noticed before.  If you have done anyone of these things above (me being guilty as well), I don’t dislike you. I know you just love me lots and I love you lots, too.

Valentine

This comes from: To Write Love On Her Arms and is a better sentiment than what I could share about Valentine's Day. I am loved, so very deeply, and by more people than I may truly realize. But there is a greater LOVE that I am discovering each and every day. My prayer is that I seek it out diligently - even when the feeling isn't there - and come to a greater revelation of my heart's true desire. So enjoy the message below, and remember, there is a great LOVE story where you are being passionately and fervently pursued.

Dear Valentine's Day,

My friend Don wrote a blog about you today and his blog suggests that you used to look a lot different than you do today. He says that you are the product of a poet and that before this poet's pen, you were not a romantic holiday.

i think i would have liked you more back then, whenever that was. The truth is that you really bother me now. i think you bother a lot of people, honestly. i'm not sure how you got so much power. You show up every year right after Christmas. You turn the windows pink and you sell your diamonds on the radio and i think i've gotten five emails from 1-800-FLOWERS in the last three days.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that i don't like love. i love love - i think it's the best thing that happens on the planet. It's the biggest dream inside me. But i bought a lie somewhere along the way. i bought the lie that says i'm not alive if i'm not in love. i bought the lie that says if i love someone but then they stop loving me or they start loving someone else, then i must have no value or power or worth. i bought the lie that says if i'm not in love, then i'm as good as dead.

And if you believe that lie long enough, it makes a giant hole. It makes a hole so big that no one person could ever begin to fill it. Not even a princess. Believe me, i've tried. To fill it with a person, to fill it with beauty, to fill it with all the things you sell.

But i don't think it works that way. Bono says his songs come from a God-shaped hole inside of him. He's my favorite singer and he has a lot of things. He has great stories and a wife and kids and plenty of money. But in spite of all of those things, he says he still has this hole and he says that it's the reason that he sings.

i've been thinking lately that maybe i've confused a girl for God, a different one every year or two, since the first day of junior high. And man, that is a lot of pressure to put on someone, to make them God. That is a ton of power to hand to someone. Especially when they're just a person. A person with questions and flaws and pain of their own.

So maybe there's a war, inside of me and for me and maybe my heart is the opposite of small. Maybe it's the opposite of cheap and empty and alone. Maybe it's sacred and enormous and wild.
To make a long story short, i think i've given you way too much power. i let you scare me and i let you name me and i let you tell me what i'm worth.

i don't want to do that anymore.

There are dreams inside of me and those are mine and my guess is that they're there for a reason. But for all the days like now where the dreams are asked to be only dreams, i'm gonna keep getting out of bed. i'm gonna keep living my story. i'm gonna believe that there is reason and purpose, and power in my life. i'm gonna believe that i'm alive inside a story bigger than my pain, bigger than everything missing.

It crossed my mind to try to ignore you, to try to go to bed early and wake up when you're gone. But i changed my mind. i am part of a gang in Florida and we're gonna get together tonight. We're going to open our computers and we're going to choose to believe that words are powerful. We're gonna do our best to tell someone something true. We're gonna ask people not to give up on their stories.

Valentine's Day, i don't hate you. i don't even blame you. Perhaps you did not name yourself. Perhaps you are the product of hundreds of years, hundreds of thousands of broken people and a million God-shaped holes.

The truth is that we're all living love stories.

Peace to you tonight.
jamie

PS: i wrote this while listening to The Script's Science & Faith.

Maple-colored Teardrops

I've come to and uncomfortable realization: I'm an emotional sap.

The female body is perplex in so many ways that if I actually sat down to digest it all, I would probably just end up confused and....well, crying. Thank goodness this is all I've know my whole life otherwise I don't know how else I would do this whole thing of being a woman.

Besides the fact that we intertwine all parts of our life into one big spaghetti factory, when you stick Ms. Monthly or Ms. Meno on top of it all you might just not know what hit you. Now, I'm not facing either one of those right now (sorry if this is too much information), but Ms. Crying never seems to ever really go away. I don't think I'm overly emotional, but it seems that since I've hit my mid-twenties the tearducts just like to be hydrated more often that what I remember from my high school and college days. I have to ask myself if this is somewhat of a normal thing for a woman, based on circumstances in my life, or part of my personality. Granted, all three may just be the holy trinity of a good cry.

Now...the times that the waterworks confuse me are when I'm watching a movie about time travel and start crying - even when I don't believe in time travel. Why would I cry at this type of movie? Lets not forget Toy Story 3. OH.MY.GOODNESS. I died. Who knew animated toy characters could pull such an tug at my heart. I fight so hard to not make those little droplets fall - I try to hide my shaky-scrunchy chin wobble, but it never fails. Shaky-scrunchy chin wobble is out of control and my little eyes overflow and finally release a stream of feeling. I wish I could stop it...I feel so silly, so girly, so uncool.

Maybe, it is just an part of a woman to be emotional - maybe I hold things in too much and there is just a point where you need to let it out. Yes, that movie just evoked emotion with their animated characters and unrealistic storyline about time travel. Yes, my pastor just said something that hit a cord. Yes, I'm frustrated with life. Yes, I'm just tired and need to go to sleep. Yes, Ms. Monthly is here. Yes, I feel lonely. Yes, that was the sweetest wedding ever. Yes, my resistance band just broke during my workout and backfired on my stomach (true story). Yes, I've done everything only to feel like a failure. Yes, those lyrics just spoke to me. Yes, just sometimes maybe I need a good cry.

And if you are wondering if I'm okay - I totally am, but I did just cry at the movie, The Time Traveler's Wife. Figures.

One Blind Mouse

There are a few times when I have walked in the dark. Once may have been in college when I was pranking a house full of boys. You walk slowly as not to make a sound, yet your arms are in front of you so you don't run into a tree. Then there are those moments where you get home late and keep the lights off so as not to wake up others from their sleep. Unfortunately, many times a furry beast or vacuum cleaner was lying in the hallway and I would end up hurting my sleepy pup, injuring my toe, or waking up the snoozers from their dreamy sleep. In any of these cases there are usually two emotions: excitement or fear.

And that is how I sometimes feel with the will of God.

From a far distance, God's will sounds perfect and life changing, peaceful and pleasant. Sometimes, it sounds thrilling. You know - the surprise of not really knowing where you are going but excited for the revelation. I mean, if God is good, He'll lead me into all pleasant things, right?! Well, then there are those times where God's will freaks the crap out of me. Either I screw up big time, rebel because I'm fearful of where and what He is going to have me do, or I just don't trust that He is really in control or don't want Him to be in control. And so often, I just want a bigger revelation. Lord, just tell me what is coming next. I've been waiting patiently and haven't pushed you. I've really tried to surrender my life to you. C'mon...just give me a little taste of what is in store. Ha! I've come to realize that I am the queen of just wanting a revelation of God's will for my life instead of a revelation of who He is. When this truth was spoken to me it was like a bee sting - painful the moment it hits you and a tingle that just lingers there. I'm just a schmoozer of God - give me what You have in store for me, forget the rest.

And maybe there has been some distant light that has finally come into my view. I don't see much of His will for my life, and for a really long time I've just used Him for it. I know He has had me all along and still has been graceful enough to teach me more about Himself, but I think for once I feel more confident in being blind and in the dark because it makes sense that knowing Him is so much more important, and perhaps, things just might end up being somewhat clearer if I actually started seeking a relationship with Him and getting to know Him. I don't need to know what is ahead and even though I do wish to have more understanding of my specific purpose, I have the treasure of discovering more of who He is, which I think is really the best part about getting to know anyone.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough place smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." -Isaiah 42:16

little guy, BIG FISH

Sometimes all we need is someone else's perspective. I think I just got a bigger glimpse of child-like faith: pure emotion, involvement and investment, excitement, and joy.

The Civil Wars

To find someone that will fight the war with you...I would imagine it would sound like this.

Flamingos

Love.

Mismosh of gooey feelings and harsh realities: never perfect and a battle when the messiness creeps in. I find this true for any type of love.
You want to love your neighbor - you have to deal with their flamingo lawn ornaments.
You want to love your parents – you have to obey and respect their authority even when you may not agree.
You want to love those who don’t know Jesus – you have to build relationship that shares common interests but stands firm in the truths of the Jesus you love while also living like the Jesus you love.
You want to love someone for the rest of your life – you have fight against your selfish need to go see a chick flick for the 5th time and instead sit in the hunting stand - without any talking and wait for a damn deer.
You want to love your friends – you will go out of your way to make them dinner or drive them to the store when their car breaks down.
You want to love the homeless – you actually stop your car, go through the McDonald’s drive through with them and buy them whatever they want instead of debating in your mind if you should give them money and wondering if they will use it only to buy drugs or alcohol and then just keep driving because you already passed them and “Its too late. I have things to do” is declared.
You want to love your siblings – you let go and forgive them of the time they called you “adopted” or change your attitude about their “higher” social status/looks/whatever and talk to them.

The second greatest commandment: Love your neighbor as yourself. He must have known what He was talking about when He wrote that. We usually put ourselves first. So if I love others like I love myself…

Love is a battle. Love is a lot of things and has a lot of different levels. But there is a common string between them all: sacrifice.

How willing am I to sacrifice my time, energy, money, talents, ideas, possessions, words, actions, car mileage, whatever to show love? Do I just wait for someone to first show me love before I show them? How will I show love when everything in my body tells me its poison?

Ice, Ice....Oh hey, Baby!

So as I faced the SNOWPOCYLPSE of 2011 in Missouri, which really wasn’t all about snow as it was ice (but we’ll save that hyped up nonsense for later), I realized a few things about myself that future prospect dowry givers should be ready to ask of themselves

Hold up the cattle :: Here we go:
1. Are you okay with observing the giddy girlish excitement, snow dance, and hyperness that happens when weather predictions are finally fulfilled – even if they are just flurries? I love snow. I love ice. Bring.It.On.
2. Are you willing to share in my excitement of this snow, but be fully aware of the fact that I will need you to clean off my car the next morning because I will get frustrated and inevitably curse and have tears in my eyes cause my fingers feel frostbitten and I would rather have a man do it for me?
3. Would you be my partner in crime to venture out in the world of Snowpocylpse to fulfill an adrenaline pumping, lets-drive-in-this-weather desire? Photography, screaming, passenger seat driving, tension gripping, and laughing will be present. You would have to drive.
4. But would you also know that my words and adrenaline rush passion may just turn into sitting on the couch and watching movies and would you be willing to convince me to still go on an adventure as passion turns into a lack of wanting to do anything and...eeeekkk...complaining?
5. Would you be okay with me cooking all warm things during this time? Coffee and eggs for breakfast, hot sandwich for lunch, soup for dinner, warm cookies fresh from the oven? (c’mon…there has to be one catcher!)
6. Would you understand the fact that I will be in sweats and will not wear make-up because there is not point in wasting good, clean clothes and expensive (drug-store) make-up? No worries, a shower will be taken, but not until after noon.

I think this covers the basis for any snow day. With the one exception that you may have to listen to me talk – a lot (I am a woman – what do you expect?)

Begin your cattle bidding….