Just Call

It's heavy....beware



Heartbreak sucks. The first night of sleep is no sleep at all. The one night you don't want to think about how bad it hurts, even your dream is filled with memories or people that make it feel like you never went to bed. The next day you cry at the littlest things, and every minute you try to find a way to not think or hurt or run into a memory, but you do. They find you at every corner. You have about 20 different emotions: saddness, anger, bitterness, hope, hurt, exhaustion, pain, doubt, envy, loneliness, discouragment, laughter, cautious, embarassed, reflective, remorseful, mournful, longing, madness, craziness...it goes on and on and on. You'll find yourself with emotions you never even knew existed. There is a pang in the pit of your stomach. It hurts. Your eyes are so tired and puffy, yet you are wide awake thinking....exhausting ever little thought. You try to search for hope...to hold on, but there is nothing to hold onto. It is gone. It's gone. And I'm left in tears.

I have to remind myself of some things. God is able. There is a passage in Matthew 9 (I believe) where a man says to the Lord. "I believe. Help my unbelief." This guy is in this moment where he wants to so badly believe that the Lord is able, yet he is so true to the fact that he faces unbelief in his heart. I believe in God. I believe He is the only thing in my life right now that is keeping me breathing, but I am in the same breath experiencing unbelief. Unbelief that I can be okay. Unbelief that He has it all together and taking me somewhere beyond-my-comprehension good! Unbelief that I will find the Lord and be okay with just that. I want all of these things so badly. I want to be okay with not knowing where the Lord is taking me. I want to be okay with Jesus. But my unbelief is weighty. I have desires that the Lord has taken away, and I'm not sure how to handle those. I'm not sure how to be or deal or let be. Letting go is so hard when you've held on for so long. When you have loved for so long. So I must repeat over and over...Lord, help my unbelief. Lord, I know You are able.

The pain inside has erased your hope for love.
But soon you will find
that I'll give you more than your heart could ever want
and so much more.

Call My Name, say it now.
I want you to never doubt.
The love I have for you is so alive.