Four Words

Once, when I was a little girl, I was so nervous, but excited. Awe struck...no, love struck. I had carefully crafted my heart on paper. My words were chosen carefully, but I wasn't trying to come on too strong. I just wasn't that kind of girl - even at such a young age. My idea of putting myself out there probably came off as more of a "friendship" message when I wanted so much more. I gave the missionary boy the letter...and quickly ran away. For once I went through with something, but it didn't matter. I wasn't strikingly beautiful or even overtly outgoing that I would be remembered. He never came. He didn't even come talk to me. I look back now and laugh - of course it wasn't meant to be - he was a missionary kid and moved around - only in town for a week at most. That was probably the biggest risk I ever took when it came to my little girl dreams: the note to the missionary kid.

I'm not usually a risk taker when it comes to love. In some ways, I will always be the quiet girl on the row of chairs who waits patiently for the boy to come ask me to dance. I'm the girl who watches friends experience that excitement first, and I tell myself over and over again...someday...and I do my best to put on my smile and keep my chin up. I'm not typical - I'm not a go-getter. I don't live under a rock (most of the time), but I come more alive when you find me and start a conversation with me, and if you want to take me on adventures, I will go with you and love every minute. I'll be honest, I'm picky, but once you've won me over, I will love you and cherish you forever if you would let me. My heart will be good to you and love you as best as I know how. I am not a mean person, at least I try not to be. I just want to be loved, accepted, appreciated and do the same for you. I will wrong you at times and be selfish, but I want to learn how to serve you more. I'm willing to forgive and try again, because I know I'm just like you - not perfect and never will be. I'm simple. I don't need fancy, but sometimes will glam myself up when I want to, but get my outdoor face on the next. I'm not afraid to trust and commit to you if you will do the same for me. I just want someone who will stick it out with me when I'm ugly and rude because they know I'm not always like that and that I have a soft, gentle side too. I want someone who isn't afraid of letting me in. I won't let you go or reject you...ever - no matter where you are in life, and you will never be an inconvenience to me. I strive to love you like Christ loves you. I'm not perfect at it - not one bit, but you can always know I will never stop trying.

This is me...the girl who takes no risks, yet will take the biggest risk with you.

God has some doors closed for now and sometimes I ask him, "Am I that messed up that you have to hold me back for a little while longer?" Maybe I am. Maybe I need to realize that Jesus gives me all I would ever need, and His love is enough. He is getting me there slowly. It may not feel like I am moving, but I'm trusting He is moving me closer to Him. I am trusting He is working on my heart to find only Him. In this journey, he is rebuilding those parts of my life that have been slowly destroyed from my youth because they have been without Him. I cry because I sometimes have a hard time trusting in His will, especially when my heart hurts so bad. But I know there have been those little moments in this darkness where he has tugged at me and said, "I love you, Elizabeth" and I'm trying to put my whole heart behind it and give him four hand squeezes: "I love you, too."

It is funny what you learn about love as you go through life. I think the Lord is revealing to me how to love, but even more than that, He is teaching me how to love Him first. Maybe one day the Lord will entrust me to put a guy in the right place: "The most important one...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all of your mind. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself," (Mark 12:29-30) but for now I believe He wants the first alone.