So I know it has been a while since I've actually rambled. I haven't been ignoring you, but I just didn't want to ramble on and on and on about my life and bore you to death. I get sick of hearing myself sometimes and would rather just have you listen to songs I love or remind myself that life can still be fun. I'm sure I sound melodramatic at times, and I won't lie - those are honest feelings and sometimes right in the raw moment, but I also am trying to live a life that still exudes joy even though there is not always happiness (I'm learning the big difference between those two words joy and happiness because there is a BIG difference).
I'm sure you know I'm not in a place in my life that I would consider any sort of happiness or what I had imagined for myself. At this age, I pictured my life to be filled with financial independence, a job that was at least something I dreamed of when I was younger - or for that matter, what I studied for four years in college, a different living situation (a.k.a. not my parent's house - though very gracious I am for them!), at least a prospect companion to share the good and bad of life with, and a faith that was strong and could handle anything. Whelp, life has taken quite a turn in all of these areas, and when you find yourself in this place of just...average...you begin to wonder if something is wrong with you or if it is just one of those "blah" moments that prepares you for something more. I've felt both emotions, and both are probably the right answers.
So in this moment of my "average" life, where I feel that all dreams or desires I've had for myself don't seem to have any movement or clear open door at the moment, my main goal has been to be a hard-core Jesus freak in the most non-freaky way. My only remedy for not going into mental disarray and being that completely annoying, negative Nancy person is to be with Jesus a lot. I listen to the cheese-ball Christian radio station and have for about 2 months now because anything else would just not put me in a good mental state (I am a fan of some Christian music, but lets be honest - some stuff is just cheese). I have joined a Bible Study where we actually are doing a more intense study of a book of the Bible (imagine that!) and I have homework every weekday! I am joining a Community Group at my church to talk about the sermon that was preached on Sunday, and I seek out friends/mentors to talk about life with and feel encouraged by when I'm down or just need to get out. I don't say this to show off how great of a Christian I am because I'm not that great of a Christian. I'm doing these things because I'm a wreck and messed up and honestly need all the Jesus I can get my hands on. He has to be my All because I'm learning that you can lose everything or be turned upside down in a minute. It is so easy to hold tightly onto what the world can give me, and some days it feels like I'm just trying to get by hour by hour, releasing my tight fist over and over again.
Sometimes I don't get life and God's overall plan. It can be so very painful at times (and often because of my own sin, sometimes not). I still tear up and shed a few when I think about my situation and the people/dreams I've lost or have had to let go of for now. My heart breaks a lot and there are still many pieces on the floor. I've been challenged to search deep and think hard about my life and I have no clear answers on most everything. I can't tell you why I am here at this moment in my life except that God wants me to learn and lean on Him only. Sometimes I don't know what He is trying to teach me, and my future is one big fat question mark. I'm learning my tomorrows are His alone. Sometimes I fight to take control of my life and future, but I'm learning I lose those battles and can fall hard when I don't trust that God has a greater purpose and plan that is good and lavished with love. My purpose is to fight to keep Christ close in my heart this hour and the next. Trust me, I fail, but God is redefining my knowledge of who he is, and I'm sure he is refining my heart to be more like His.
I'm fighting and sometimes it feels like I'm not getting anywhere, but I have to believe he is taking me beyond this "average" place for something that fulfills a much greater purpose.
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